Lion Bar wrapper triggers panic

AN ESSEX man had admitted the ‘lion’ he saw near his home was actually a design on the wrapper of a chocolate bar.

38-year-old plasterer Tom Logan sparked panic after he ran into a Colchester police station screaming about a ‘massive hungry roaring lion’.

However it has since emerged that Logan was eating a Lion Bar at the time, and simply failed to distinguish between the picture of a lion on the packaging of the chewy confectionary and an actual lion.

He said: “All I remember was this immense slavering beast really near my mouth. It had a powerful smell, sort of like caramel.”

Police have since recovered a Lion Bar wrapper from the woods where the alleged beast was sighted.

Logan said: “You have to admit it’s realistic and scary. I can’t even look at it.”

Detective Inspector Emma Bradford said: “When we interviewed Tom Logan about his experience, he described the lion as having a disembodied head floating against a brown backdrop with the word ‘Lion’ appearing next to it in yellow writing.

“I went to the vending machine, got a Lion Bar and when I showed it to him, he started screaming.

“The fucking idiot.”

Logan said: “Nestle shouldn’t use such frightening images on their products. If the bar had been called ‘Horse Bar’ with a picture of a horse on it this never would have happened.”

It has since emerged that Logan recently called the police reporting ‘three leprechauns’ on his kitchen table, which were found to be the design on a Rice Krispies box.



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Top Cat's Desert Island Discs

Okay, gang – that’s right I’m talking about all you groovy cats out there – let’s spin a disc that everyone knows – why even that uncool non-feline Officer Dibble will know this one. 

The first time these furry ears of mine got a load of it I was over on the East Side watching an episode of Wallander – yeah that’s right daddio, I dig that Wallander cat, I dig his solemnity and I dig his theme tune.

Anyways – that crazy Wallander theme tune. There we all were one night, sat on the ledge of this apartment looking into someone’s living room with Chooch, Benny and the rest of the gang, eating fish heads and shooting the breeze – yeah, we was having a real ball. “Hey TC, why’s there writing all over the TV screen?” asks Benny as he takes a big slurp on his Sarsaparilla, so I says, “because it’s in a different language you butter brain – thems are speaking Swedish”.

Then Brains pipes up with “hey, eh…..why aren’t they, eh….like, speaking American like we’s do, TC?”. And I comes back with, “you means English dummy – not American, we speak English, and if you don’t mind I’d like to concentrate on the TV show and who it was that murdered the guy what drove the snow plough”.

Officer Dibble is always on my case for one thing or another but you know what I likes about him? We’re both fans of the groovy composer, John Barry. So I’m thinking if I choose something by him, I’ll be in Dibble’s good books. Maybes he could make sure that Fancy’s kidnapping and firearms charges go away if I play The Theme From The Persuaders on a loop for the next two hours .

All good things must come to an end daddio, and my final record is a real doozie – yes, that’s right people I’ve picked the  Meow Mix Jingle – why I could just eat these lyrics up and wash them down with a giant saucer of full fat milk….

I want chicken
I want liver
Meow Mix Meow Mix
Please Deliver
(Repeat with beef, rabbit and duck )

Book choice? Well folks, I certainly won’t be taking any Garfield books with me, that’s for sure. He’s nothing more than an Uncle Tom. I’ll probably just go with Wolf Hall.

My one luxury would have to be the Cagney and Lacey box set. I dig that Sharon Gless although I ain’t got so much time for the other broad.