Jeremy Corbyn accepts lucrative offer to teach politics at sixth-form

FORMER Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has accepted a five-figure offer to teach Politics A-level at Stoke Newington Sixth Form College. 

Corbyn has eschewed the usual offers of public speaking after his resignation as leader and has instead taken up the part-time role educating 16-18-year-olds.

He said: “I’m immensely popular with young people, as Glastonbury proved, so they’ll be ready to learn.

“We’ll begin with Marx obviously, then a rundown of socialism and why it’s better, then we’ll spend the bulk of our time studying my great moral victory in the 2017 general election.

“Any challenges from the class will be greeted with that petulant withering stare I used to give photographers, and if they don’t pass the exam it’s not my fault. Any questions?”

Headteacher Helen Archer said: “Wait, he’s that Jeremy Corbyn? I just thought he was some down-on-his-luck old leftie grateful to earn enough to keep him in lentils.

“Still, it’s nice he’s found his level.”

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Online clothes shopper treating herself to sending everything back

A WOMAN who has spent the weekend shopping for clothes online cannot wait to send every single item straight back again.

Lauren Hewitt of Ealing spent hours trawling through website ordering outfits for a dream version of herself, regardless of whether they would suit or fit her.

She said: “I only went on to get some vest tops. But by the time I’d scrolled through 345 of those and popped 47 in my basket, just to try, I was on a roll.

“I’ve never dared wear a playsuit but this seemed like the moment to let loose and give myself the pleasure of opening one, holding it up against myself, frowning, and returning it.

“I’ve tried all the latest trends, I’ve treated myself to some classic wardrobe staples, I’ve gone bold with colours and played it safe with cool greys. They’re all going back.

“Now I just have to take them to the filthy newsagent which is my nearest DPD drop-off point, leave them on the floor in the back room and obsessively check online banking until the refund comes through.

“There’s nothing better than frittering your days away in no-risk consumerism. Who needs the high street?”