Labour sends out Vengabus to win youth vote

LABOUR is to deploy the famous Vengabus to capture the crucial youth vote in marginal constituencies.

The brightly-coloured Vengabus, blaring dance music and handing out cocktails, has promised thousands of drunken revelers that there will be an economic boom boom boom boom if they vote Labour into their room.

Wayne Hayes of Burnley said: “I staggered out of the nightclub and there they were, the Vengaboys returned to lead us to Ibiza just like the legends foretold.

“They told me that the Labour party is the party that likes to party, an intercity disco from Newcastle to Padstow.

“They’ve only got a bus now, but if we all vote Labour then Venga Airways will fly me far away from this big town and the rain to a party in the Mediterranean sea.”

But a Tory spokesman said: “Take a closer look at those Vengaboys.

“Behind the dry ice and the lasers that’s Diane Abbott and Hilary Benn painted orange and pretending to be Dutch.

“Voters should stick with the Conservatives, because under us Britain has no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there’s no limit.”

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Ask Holly: Should I go to HR about horrible Ed Miliband?

Dear Holly,

I’ve got a colleague who appears to have it in for me. He’s always arguing with me and moaning about stuff I do and really hurts my feelings by saying nasty things about me. He is so horrid to me all the time. Yesterday, after PMQs I ended up weeping in the toilets, and Nick Clegg had to give me a very long cuddle. Should I go to HR about horrible Ed Miliband?

David Cameron,

Westminster

Dear David,

You need to sort these things out yourself, because no-one will respect you or want to play with you if you’re nothing but a big tell-tale tit. Next time he starts mocking you just call him a dicksplat and strike him sharply about the head with your Spiderman lunchbox. You might end up being wedgied to death, but at least you’ll die with dignity.

Hope that helps,

Holly