'Marry Wales, shag Northern Ireland, kill Scotland', says Johnson

THE prime minister’s has declared that he would marry Wales, f**k Northern Ireland and kill Scotland. 

Boris Johnson has visited all three countries to decide on his order and has confirmed to parliamentary colleagues it is definitive and will not change further.

He explained: “Scotland’s the best-looking but she’s a fucking nightmare. Left-wing, freezing cold, always going on about her independence. You couldn’t live with that.

“Wales, meanwhile, might not have the looks or the oil or any decent cities but it’s a proper doormat. Never stands up for itself. Even voted for Brexit. That’s what I’m looking for in a wife.

“And Northern Ireland is totally crazy, half in love with England and half burning with hatred, and everyone knows that makes for incredible sex. God, the scratches on your back afterwards.

“So that’s the order, that’s my decision and those are the priorities of my government. Any further questions?”

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The Government's No-Deal Brexit Preparations Guide and Complimentary Bodybag

DEAR householder, this leaflet outlines the various preparations that British citizens should make for a No-Deal Brexit. Page 24 unfolds into a free human remains pouch. 

Your No-Deal Brexit is due to take place at midnight on October 31st. Halloween celebrations will be unaffected, though children should be advised the sweets they collect will be their last.

Following the No-Deal Brexit, the UK will regain sovereignity and control of its own future. It is no longer possible to leave the UK and you should not attempt to.

In the 14 days immediately following No-Deal Brexit continue attending your place of employment until it closes down and buy only what food you need while shops remain open. After 14 days there will no longer be employers or shops.

All BBC television and radio channels will be shuttered immediately to stop the spread of dangerous Project Fear rumours. The Prime Minister will make statements each night at 9pm on Sky Sports News, free to all households.

After 28 days a programme of conscription will begin for all able-bodied adults aged between 14 and 80. Anyone caring for infants or elderly persons should stop. Report to your local Sunlit Uplands Centre to await relocation.

It is important to remember that any negative symptoms of your No-Deal Brexit are caused by Remainers. Your town hall will post bounties.

Within 60 days the less necessary members of your household will have expired. Place them in the attached bag and put in the brown bin for recycling. Bodies placed in the grey bin will incur a fine.