Mum treating son's girlfriend like daughter she never wanted

A GIRL holidaying with her boyfriend’s family for the first time is being treated like the daughter his mother never wanted to have. 

Helen Archer is in Cornwall with boyfriend Steve Malley, his brother Ant, their father Brian and their mother Hazel who detests the spoiled trollop more with every passing moment.

Hazel said: “I was always happy with just a boy. Girls are too much fuss. Especially this vain little cow.

“The more desperate Helen is for me to like her, the more I want to throw her apparently endless collection of sun dresses in the sea.

“Imagine how traumatic it’d be if it was my own daughter I was snapping ‘Turn Instagram off, you’re not a model and never will be with those hips’ at. Scarred for life.

“I want to go back to being on holiday with three slightly absent men. And no way are her and my Steve sharing a room.

“No one is having sex in this holiday cottage – not my sons, not my husband, and certainly not this whore parading her happiness and youth in front of everyone.”

Son Ant agreed: “Helen’s like the sister I never knew. I don’t know what to say to her so I leave the room.”

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Five life milestones you can blame Brexit for missing

FAILED to achieve something? It can’t be your fault; after all, you voted Remain. It must be Brexit. Here’s how: 

Buying a car

Taking out a loan to buy a car – then taking out another, larger loan for car insurance – is sheer insanity while we’re on the brink of no-deal. Continuing to use the seven-year-old moped you deliver pizzas on is wise and prudent.

Buying a house

Everyone knows Brexit is going to crash the housing market, so it’d be irresponsible to consider leaving your rented room/parents’ attic/mate’s sofa at this point. The fact that you spent your deposit savings on Latitude tickets doesn’t come into it.

Getting married

In this economy? Making a commitment to a significant other when the whole future’s in the air? Either of you could be fear-boning a hot refugee within minutes of the no-deal sirens going off. Did nobody watch Years & Years?

Having children

Bringing a baby into this shattered country is violence and a hate crime. Though if you’re already up all night crying about Brexit then it won’t impact your lifestyle.

Getting promoted

What other explanation could there be for your lack of career progress? Your persistent lateness, truculence or the time you were found with your arm trapped in a vending machine? No, it’s the threat of your job moving abroad. Bloody Brexit. Now back to that bathroom nap.