PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Mitt Romney was constructed from four dead things, it has emerged.
Leaked mortuary receipts show Dick Cheney purchased human body parts in 2004, with a view to constructing the archetypcal Republican candidate.
The life form known as Mitt Romney is in fact a patchwork of parts from former Ohio senator and Grecian 200 poster boy Joseph Turner (died 1982), the pliant mind of Kentucky representative Tom Booker (died 1998) and Texas Governor Wayne Hayes (died 2004), of whom it was said in his obituary “truly, here was a man who wore a suit.”
‘Mitt’ is the name of the dog whose life was sacrificed so that his mindlessly faithful, wagging tail could be secreted in Romney’s trousers.
Operated by remote control from Republican Party HQ, the Mitt Romney is considered the party’s most sophisticated yet, being capable of three physical functions: a rictus smile, a stiff armed, non-Nazi salute and the ability to embrace a wife-shaped entity.
US political analyst Stephen Malley said: “It had been feared that the influential religious Right might object to a candidate made up of reanimated corpses.
“However they gave their blessing on the understanding that none of the bodies were from homosexuals.”
Similar moves to create composite opposition leaders in the UK have been less successful.
Ed Milliband was intended to be a composite of three promising young Labour volunteers who agreed to lay down their lives and body parts for the Party cause.
However, two of them withdrew at the last minute, meaning that the 64% shortfall had to be made up with latex.