Nan explains latest confusing reasons for voting Tory

A NAN who lives in a local authority affected by Tory cuts has given an utterly incomprehensible account of why she always votes for them.

Mary Fisher of Northampton is opposed to things like library closures, but doggedly votes Conservative for reasons that would baffle even the most brilliant psychologist.

Fisher said: “My main reason for voting Conservative is a documentary I saw 20 years ago about a family from Leeds. I forget the details but the son was a right little so-and-so.

“I wouldn’t want them living next door, and the same applies to Australians. They’ve got a jokey attitude so you don’t want them doing something important like flying a plane.

“By voting Conservative I feel it somehow stops bad things happening, even though I think they’re smarmy gits just in it for themselves who’ve done nothing about all the wasps.

“Still, it’s better than Arthur Scargill running the country. Or Gerry Adams. What a pair they are. Never trust a man with a beard, I say.”

Psychologist Tom Booker said: “I’d assumed older people voted Tory due to fear of change, but with Mrs Fisher it appears to have something to do with Asda’s range of cooked meats.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ten hours in sea 'more fun' than ten hours on cruise ship

A WOMAN has told rescuers than floating in the sea for ten hours was more enjoyable than being on a cruise ship.

Helen Archer, who allowed herself to slip backwards over the her cruise ship’s railing when she heard a conga line approaching, said that it was well worth the discomfort, isolation and risk of shark attacks. 

She continued: “It was a combination of things, really. The shopping-mall decor, the other passengers, and the constant attempts to sell you overpriced glitzy tat just built up until I decided the sea would be better. 

“And, while it wasn’t fantastic bobbing in the waves in total darkness, at least nobody tried to make me watch a fourth-place X Factor contestant or go for a spa treatment. 

“As soon as I touched land, I asked ‘And there’s no coach waiting to take me back to the ship in four hours, after I’ve bought enough of the local jewellery or whatever? I’m free?'”

She added: “People who regularly go on cruises swear by them. But people who regularly go on cruises are really, really weird.”