Cat briefly considers not being utter tosser

A CAT has very briefly considered not being an utter bastard.

Cat Stephen Malley was about to get started with today’s schedule of napping and killing when he was gripped by a strange feeling.

He said: “There was this voice in my head, so quiet and so weak. At first I thought it said ’Why don’t you kill some mice?’ but when I listened harder I realised it was saying ‘Why don’t you just be nice?’

“I began to wonder, what would life be like if I didn’t treat my disgusting human slaves and all other living creatures with the contempt they so obviously deserve?

“’What would it be like if I didn’t release half-dead birds into the living room and chase them until they flap themselves to death?’

“Then I thought no, that’s ridiculous, and did a shit on the patio.”