Small birds ‘need to lay off the carbs’

BIRDS would be a lot better at flying if they lay off the carbs, it has been claimed.

Ornithologist Nikki Hollis: “Let’s be honest, most birds are not in shape. Your average small bird looks like a tennis ball on two matchsticks, and although they claim otherwise it isn’t natural.

“If a sparrow ate less bread and did a bit of cardio it would look just like a small eagle, with abs and everything, and it could fly to Africa in 28 minutes.”

However sparrow Roy Hobbs said: “I’m a bird so I don’t really give a fuck. Unlike you humans I do not have a ridiculous obsession with my body fat ratio. Plus I’m non-migratory, so as long as I can get up in a tree who cares?

“I had a massive worm today and later I’m going to splash around in a small puddle that has formed on the roof of a garage.

“Anyway enjoy the office, twats.”