Oxford rowing team wins right to choose next prime minister

ROWERS from Oxford University will get to choose the next prime minister after winning a boat race.

The annual sporting event is traditionally used to decide whether the country’s next leader is picked from the ranks of Cambridge or Oxford universities.

An Oxford spokesman said: “We’ll choose the future prime minister later today after we’ve finished getting pissed. You’ll still have to have an election at some point but that’s pretty much a formality.

“We’ve got three or four alumni who are sufficiently inoffensive. There’s one guy called Clive, he’s as thick as pigshit but everyone likes him because he has unusually baggy trousers and a pet cockerel called Ted, he’ll probably do.

“Ten years from now you’ll be watching him on telly going ‘There’s no pensions any more, benefits are finished and any music that isn’t Honey G is banned’.

“All because we made a boat go fast.”

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Gibraltar monkey feels more European

A MEMBER of Gibraltar’s monkey population feels more European than British, he has confirmed.

Barbary macaque Wayne Hayes said that although he has never visited Britain it sounds horrible: “I understand the British basically live in underground tunnels that connect to big office buildings. It rains there constantly and the trees do not bear fruit.

“There’s no way I could possibly be into that. I don’t even own a watch.

“My life is basically like a 70s French film – I wake up late, smoke a fag, spend an hour on personal grooming then go out on a crime spree. Theresa May would hate it.

“At no point do I sit in front of a computer, hoping the morning goes quickly so that I can eat a sad little sandwich out of a cardboard box.

“Being a Euro monkey is great, apart from sometimes being shot with a tranquilizer dart for some vague veterinary reason.”