Pupils to study Gove’s self-published novels

ALL schools will teach Michael Gove’s self-published novels about talking dragons and happy housewives.

Gove said dropping modern classics like To Kill a Mockingbird meant there was now room on the curriculum for the 200 or so books he has published on Kindle, of which 11 copies have been sold for 49p.

“Teenage boys will love my Horatio Hove novels, about a dashing cavalry officer in the Crimean war who has a sizzling affair with Lilly Langtry even though he looks like a glove puppet frog.

“I researched it by watching Sharpe’s Rifles and Master and Commander, so it’s 100 per cent historically accurate. The best bit is where Horatio sinks all Napoleon’s aircraft carriers.

“Schools will also be required to purchase multiple copies of my fantasy epic Lord of the Thrones.

“Kids will love it because it’s full of wonderful, imaginative ideas like magic swords, quests and talking dragons, and the reader gets a nice break from the serious bits thanks to a dwarf who gets into funny situations.

“I’ve even done a book for girls, Hattie the Happy Housewife

Teacher Tom Logan said: “I read one of Gove’s thrillers, Day of the Cultural Marxists, but I found the story about a group of terrorist teachers trying to assassinate David Cameron a bit farfetched.

“Most teachers get confused by a Banda machine, so I doubt they’d be able to steal RAF Tornadoes and attack the House of Commons.”

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Who is the new Hitler?

WHICH of Europe’s powerful freaks is the real heir to the Great Dictator?

Boggle-eyed xenophobes are seizing power across the continent. But which one could fill Adolf Hitler’s jackboots?

Marine Le Pen – French National Front leader whose name means ‘The Pen by the Sea’, which she hopes to fill with Jews and Muslims. Le Pen is looking for a way to conquer Europe with an army that demands four-hour lunch breaks.

Odds of being new Hitler 5/1

Morten Messerschmidt – the great-grandson of a Luftwaffe Messerschmitt 109 plane which was forced down in Copenhagen during WWII and fell in love with a farm girl, this propeller-driven Danish leader believes in closing borders, cutting benefits and an 80 per cent increase in Lego Nazi play sets.

Odds 18/1

Nigel Farage – UKIP leader considered charismatic in Britain but viewed by Europeans roughly as we view Ed Miliband. Credibility with military low after his 2010 election day attempt at piloting a light aircraft in a bombing run on Buckingham ended in disaster.

Odds 100/1

Adolf Hitler – Former German Chancellor now in present day after a failed assassination attempt by the inventor of a time machine. Currently building support in German beer halls, the all-new Hitler has swept away doubters with his fashionable quiff and handlebar moustache.

Odds Evens