Strikes work brilliantly, says Jeremy Hunt

STRIKING is the absolute best way to get any improvement to pay and working conditions, the health secretary has conceded. 

The advice follows the government’s decision to compromise with junior doctors after a campaign of industrial action which has, according to Hunt, “been an unqualified success.” 

He continued: “For decades, the Conservative wisdom has been that collective bargaining and threats to withdraw labour are always unsuccessful. Boy, did we get that wrong.

“Turns out you can’t actually run a service without key workers, and when they gang up you’ve got no option but to totally capitulate and give them everything they want. 

“My advice to anyone out there unhappy with their job is to get in a union and get out on the picket lines. Seriously, it works a fucking treat.” 

He added: “We really should try getting some of these unions involved in our party. Funding, leadership votes, that kind of thing.

“The power in a capitalist system was with the proletariat all along. Mental.” 

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Ask Holly: Doing stunts and getting off with fit birds is all very well but I want a new challenge

Dear Holly,

I’ve had enough playing the role of James Bond. Doing mad stunts and getting off with fit birds is all very well but I am looking for an exciting new challenge where the writing is fresh and not part of a repetitive and stale commercial carousel which should have been shelved years ago. I hear there’s a vacancy at the Queen Vic. Do you think I should go for it?

Daniel 

M16 Headquarters,

London

Dear Daniel,

You should take a leaf out of Harry Styles’ book. Most people just think he is a useless boy band git. But that really respected musician from Snow Patrol who writes real music with pianos in it who no-one has heard of says that Harry has hidden depths so it must be true. Aside from being a musical genius, Harry can beat Garry Kasparov at chess and Stephen Hawking is always on the phone to him begging for advice about Quantum Theory. Just now he is working on a classified project with NASA to send Zayn Malik into space. So we must all take him seriously when his new solo album comes out later this year.

Hope that helps,

Holly