UK resigns

THE UK has handed in its resignation because it is not prepared to work under Boris Johnson as prime minister, it has confirmed. 

Britain’s population of 66 million cited the former London mayor’s Brexit policy, lax attitude towards sexual harrassment, work ethic and idiot face as reasons for quitting.

A joint letter said: “It is with sadness that we make this decision, but we cannot go along with the new nose-diving direction we anticipate the country taking under new management.

“Boris Johnson is not a leader we can feel comfortable working with, especially those amongst us who are PR girls, and therefore we feel it is better to leave now and include the exact date and time we left on our CVs to avoid confusion.

“We would like to thank the UK for the opportunities it has given us over the years, and we hope we can find similar opportunities in other countries that have yet to spectacularly lose their sh*t.

“Yours sincerely, Britain.”

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How to enjoy the last 24 hours before you live in a country where Boris Johnson is leader

TOMORROW, and perhaps for years to come, you will be the resident of a country led by a truffle-snuffling entitled toddler. Here’s how to spend the final day without him: 

Reminisce about Theresa May

Aw, remember her? Bless, she tried. After three years moaning about what a clueless clusterfuck of a PM Theresa May was, the prospect of Johnson will make you curiously nostalgic for her weak pretence of morals and principles. She was our Mary Poppins really, wasn’t she?

Develop a drug habit

Under a no-deal Brexit Britain, unable to control its borders and desperate for cash, will be awash with illegal drugs. Get in early and whether you choose ketamine, MDMA or the new wave of American opiates being constantly off your face will make Boris more bearable.

Search your family tree again

You’ve got 24 hours, so it’s got to be worth desperately tracing your genealogy again, just in case you’ve missed an obscure great-grandparent who can get you a foreign passport and an escape from this nightmare.

Read up on history

Educating yourself on this scepter’d isle’s long history will comfort you with the reminder that we’ve suffered through dreadful prime ministers at times of national crisis many times before, and we’ve survived. Though that was before everyone could see the clown on telly.

Make a run for it

If all else fails, pack a bag with essentials and run far, far away. Even if you have to live in a ditch and eat grasshoppers, it will likely be an improvement.