Regional pub so desperate to be cool it's pathetic

THE landlords of a regional pub clearly aspire to run a trendy London gastropub but cannot quite get it right, regulars have agreed.

The Yeoman’s Arms near Stafford was taken over last year by a man new to the area who wasted no time in turning it into a facsimile of a cool Hoxton boozer that painfully misses the mark.

Regular Tom Booker said: “The first thing he did was print 8,000 new beermats proclaiming it to be the ‘YO! Man Arms’. We should’ve known then.

“It’s been filled with weird vintage stuff, like a bubblegum machine and a framed Carry On Emmannuelle poster, but they’ve failed to commit to a proper theme so it’s like having a pint in a junk shop.

“The menu insists on making every dish a signature dish, like the ‘Aussie Special’ burger and fries with a ring of tinned pineapple on it and some horrible boiled beetroot.

“I came in Wednesday after five-a-side only to discover it was Old Skool Hip-Hop with DJ Miss Twist, featuring Wu-Tang Trivia Teamz. I shan’t make that mistake again.”

New proprietor Nathan Muir said: “Can you believe we’re the only pub with a fusion chef in this whole county? Incredible. They’ll soon be flocking here. I’m losing £4,500 a month.”

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D*ckhead tooth fairy forgot kid's tooth

A SIX-year-old girl was left distraught after the d*ckhead tooth fairy went to the pub and forgot to take her tooth.

Kelly Hollis placed her precious incisor under her pillow before bed so that the tooth fairy could collect it and leave cash in exchange, as her parents promised, but woke to find no money, the tooth still there and her mother coincidentally hungover.

Dad Andy Hollis explained: “The tooth fairy probably didn’t have any change so promised she’d get some while she was out at the pub with her friends then call in on the way home.

“But apparently the tooth fairy bumped into some other tooth faries at the pub, which she hadn’t seen since college, and they all stayed a bit late and did some shots and she ended up being sick in the downstairs toilet.

“What a naughty, selfish anthropomorphic manifestation the tooth fairy is. I’m sure she’s suffering for it this morning.”

Kelly said: “Daddy blames the tooth fairy, but Mummy said perhaps if the tooth fairy didn’t have to do all the emotional labour then she wouldn’t need to let off steam in the first place.

“Whatever. Apparently I’m getting a fiver now.”