Wednesday, 19th February 2020

124,000 mad pensioners seize control of Britain

AN organisation of elderly fascists known as ‘the Tory grassroots’ is to install a megalomaniac man-child as ruler of the UK. 

The Conservative party’s radicalised membership is expected to install Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson as PM, mainly to annoy lefties but also because to them he is young and impressive.

Party member Mary Fisher, 78, said: “Boris is extremely posh, which is a sign of good character. He’s also very rugged and handsome, like a young Mussolini.

“Yes he’s simple, but all he’s got to do is tell the French and Germans to sod off. How hard can that be for an Old Etonian even in fluent Latin?

“I’d like him to bring back beheading and criminalise sodomy illegal again, but that’s probably too much to ask with all the political correctness and women these days. Still you can dream.”

Retired accountant Roy Hobbs, 89, said: “I voted for Boris because he’s a bloody good laugh.

“And if he turns out to be a national embarrassment who reduces Britain to a midden of idiots fighting for fish heads, it doesn’t matter because I’ll be dead soon.”

The new prime minister will today  announce pensioner-friendly policies including military service for the under-50s, a tax on frippery and a no-deal Brexit, only to laughingly ignore them thereafter.