What sort of Brexit are you?

DO YOU want a hard Brexit, a soft Brexit, or a mega Brexit with extra mushrooms? Take our quiz to find out.

Should the UK remain a member of the single market?

  1. a) We must retain full unrestricted membership, whatever the price.
  2. b) We should get the single market and they should ask us if they can remain in it.
  3. c) Brexit.

What controls should there be on free movement?

  1. a) Skilled EU citizens like plumbers and builders allowed in Britain if cheaper and less uncouth than domestic ones, and Britons can take citybreaks without any visa nonsense.
  2. b) Everyone should have their papers with them and be terrified at all times like in war films.
  3. c) Brexit.

Is it important to remain part of the European Customs Union?

  1. a) If I say ‘no’, does that mean we get duty-free back?.
  2. b) I am confident that saying ‘no’ means we get duty-free back.
  3. c) Still Brexit.

How should the UK enforce its border with Ireland?

  1. a) As softly as possible, to not violate the Good Friday Agreement.
  2. b) 85ft wall with searchlights, minefields, snipers, loudspeakers broadcasting pro-British propaganda.
  3. c) Full-scale invasion of Ireland, unifying it and saving it from the dreaded EU.

Where would you envisage the UK’s economy being in two years?

  1. a) Please, please only a recession.
  2. b) Full-scale depression with rationing, 50 per cent youth unemployment, and luxury goods only available on black market.
  3. c) Proud.

What role should Nigel Farage have in the post-Brexit government?

  1. a) Nigel Farage has served his purpose and should be exiled to St Helena.
  2. b) Nigel Farage should be Britain’s unofficial ambassador to Keeping Donald Trump Stable.
  3. c) God-King.


Mostly 1s – Oh dear, you want a soft Brexit. Don’t you realise that wasn’t the unspoken and unverified will of the British people?

Mostly 2s – You want your Brexit soaked in vinegar overnight and baked in the oven for three hours.

Mostly 3s – Brexit means Brexit.

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Government unveils surefire ‘privatisation’ solution to trains being f**ked

THE transport secretary is to solve Britain’s rail problems using a foolproof strategy called ‘more privatisation’.

Chris Grayling and his team worked through the night to come up with the idea of fixing Britain’s feeble train network by putting more of it into private hands.

Undersecretary Nathan Muir said: “Chris had us doing all these exercises to get us out of our conventional way of thinking and generate genuinely left-field ideas. 

“We knew that the problems of spiralling fares, huge subsidies and chronic mismanagement were down to privatisation, so we approached the issue backwards. 

“What’s the very last thing anyone would think of, the solution so outlandish nobody is considering it? Then it came to us: more privatisation.

“Free market competition always drives up standards, especially in a situation where the consumer will only ever have a choice of one thing.”

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn said: “Now, the trains. I’m sure we’ve got a policy on this, haven’t we?

“We must try to get a press release out before Christmas.”