'Slightly less shit than the pricks after her': A nation pays tribute to Theresa May

THE people of Britain have paid their respects to an ex-prime minister who was still utterly awful but marginally less crap than her successors.

Across the land people have paused to reflect on Theresa May’s legacy of demonising the Windrush generation, mishandling Grenfell, and trying to create a one-party state, while also acknowledging that she wasn’t quite as bad as who followed.

Mary Fisher from Kettering said: “She didn’t f**k up the pandemic, I’ll give her that. But I’m really reaching to find the positives here.

“Compared to Johnson, Sunak, and that flicker of insanity in between, anyone could look good. Choosing the best of the bunch is like playing a game of Would You Rather. At least she taught us all about the existence of the DUP, I guess? That’s knowledge, sort of.”

Wayne Hayes from Darlington said: “She was indeed slightly less shit than the pricks who followed her. Heavy, heavy emphasis on the slightly.

“It’s sobering to think that we can be nostalgic about her reign of terror. Imagine f**king up so badly that people look at her cackling, Ghibli-witch-looking face and think ‘Those were the good times’. But that’s where we are.”

Martin Bishop from Kent said: “Was she less bad or did she in fact lay the foundations for the inept twats who replaced her? Hard to tell. Either way, I’m somewhat moved to see her go.

“I’ll always remember her total lack of humanity, terrible dancing, and the drip of motor oil that leaked from her vision sensors when she ran out of battery and had to resign.

“Wait, she’s just stepping down and hasn’t died? Oh.”

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Tories enter final phase of existence as they f**k over pensioners

THE Conservative Party has signalled it is entering the final stages of its 200-year existence by f**king over the last people in Britain who support it.

Having already used and abused farmers, the business community, the Red Wall and non-doms, the party has decided their sole remaining bloc of voters has had it too easy for too damned long.

Michael Gove, speaking through his puppet Jeremy Hunt, said: “Did you think you were immune or something? Nah. Pay up, economic dead weight.

“Pay income tax, pay care bills, and don’t expect to get any service from the NHS because we’ve brought it to its f**king knees. Should you fall ill, try to focus on how much your country would benefit by losing you from the pensions burden.

“You’re not going to win us the next election. Nothing could. So it’s time we soaked you for anything you’ve got coming in, anything you might have salted away and the triple-lock can suck my dick.

“Like a dying star, we’ve consumed everything possible to keep the Tories going. You’re all that’s left. By attacking you, are we effectively eating ourselves? Yes. Will we collapse into a political black hole destroying Britain in our wake? Yes. Don’t care.”

Margaret Gerving, aged 82, said: “I’m furious about this and will do anything to to stop it, as long as it doesn’t stop me voting Tory.”