Unelected man in power gives speech on behalf of unelected man in power

A MAN who got his job by birthright is giving a speech on behalf of a man who won a contest by default.

The speech, which takes place in a building paid for by the public that they are not allowed to use, outlines all the democratic changes to daily life nobody had a say in.

Political commentator Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Nothing says modern Britain like watching a weary old flesh puppet forced to read out the words of their master. Doesn’t it make you proud?

“The King will perform his duties with the stiff upper lip this country is famous for, and the prime minister will look on excitedly like a dad mouthing along to the words at a Taylor Swift concert. Everything as it should be.

“What’s the alternative? A government that represents the will of the people and not the interests of backbenchers and shareholders? An obsolete monarchy consigned to the history books where they belong? Sounds a bit far-fetched to me.

“No, this is the country doing what it does best. You don’t even have to think as you watch it. Just sit back and let the unchallenged privilege wash over you.”

Wayne Hayes from Hull said: “I can’t wait to vote this lot out like the papers are telling me to.”

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Kinky blindfold sex best way to imagine lover is someone else

USING a blindfold during sex is the best way to imagine you are sleeping with someone other than your partner, it has emerged.

While intimacy experts say that closing off one of the senses in this way increases anticipation and excitement, for the majority of people it just makes it easier to imagine they are being railed by Pedro Pascal.

Helen Archer said: “When I suggested to my husband that I put on a blindfold before he started oral, his eyes lit up. He thought I wanted to explore my kinky side at last, but little does he know it just makes it easier to pretend he’s an insatiable Gary Lineker.

“Unfortunately, though, a blindfold can’t block out his nasal, grating voice, so I’ve tried popping on headphones as well and listening to an audiobook read by someone with more sexually arousing tones.

“With eyes and ears both blocked, I’m picturing Gary and listening to Alan Cumming narrating Dracula. Yes, it’s an insane combination but it’s my fantasy, so I can do what the hell I like.

“I’ve suggested to my husband that he uses a blindfold and headphones at the same time. We’ll barely be able to tell the other person is there. That’s what marriage is all about.”