Wanking through the hustings: your extremely limited choice of sexual fantasies this election

POLITICOPHILES looking to get an erotic charge from this election aren’t finding it easy. This is how they’re managing to edge through the debates: 

Gillian Keegan as a sexy teacher

The education minister just about fits the evergreen scenario of a hot teacher, in their typical work attire of stockings and suspenders. But she doesn’t give a f**k about anything education-related so even in your fantasies she’ll just sit at her desk scrolling her phone, expecting the private sector to deal with your boner.

Doing it with Angela Rayner on the battlebus

Redhead Angela is Karen Gillan compared to her peers, so it’s easy enough to imagine yourself as a horny hitchhiker when her campaign bus pulls up. ‘Going all the way?’ she’d chuckle saucily, and sex would ensue on the back seat, upper deck. Starmer, driving the bus in a hat too big for him, would be comically unaware.

Johnny Mercer in army uniform

Buff, manly soldiers are a staple of wank fantasies, so step forward ex-commando Johnny Mercer. Unfortunately, he’s also an arrogant shit paying his wife £45k to be his secretary and got made to look a dick on Question Time by a greenie from the Guardian, which makes it tough getting moist about a bayonetting from him.

Esther McVey’s Nazi sex dungeon

After her stint at the DWP it’s easier to imagine blonde right-winger Esther as the sadistic camp kommandant in debased BDSM skinflick Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS than not. But if you even know what that is you’re too ashamed to be aroused.

Hastily adding Layla Moran to the wank bank

Like Nick Clegg in 2010, you’d never heard of her before the election but now, in the absence of better options, you vaguely fancy a go. She’s gay, but since when did that ever preclude implausible male fantasies? But act fast because as a decent person with valid points to make TV producers will soon ban her from our screens.

Pampered in luxury by Jeremy Hunt

He looks normal next to the rest of his party, and in his favour he’s loaded. At least one of his many flats must be a luxury penthouse with an ocean view where he’ll ply you with caviar and champagne before doing you like Liz Truss did the economy. Hopefully from behind, he’s only likely to get more goggle-eyed in the final furlong.

LARPing with Penny Mordaunt

The gold standard of MP wanks, after her sword-hefting appearance at the Coronation she’s central to your Arthurian fantasies, stepping in as a warrior queen when you’re being assaulted by orcs, wargs, benefits claimants, whatever. And her hair at the last debate was magnificent, like a lion sleeping on her head.

Lisa Nandy after a night out in Wigan Spoons

The wholly unremarkable Wigan MP keeps getting mentioned in ‘sexiest MP’ lists, even topping one poll. It’s far from clear why she’s been elevated to this status, but who’d have thought Louise Mensch’s resignation would have had such a detrimental effect on British democracy?

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Henry VIII, and other historical figures we're randomly outing for Pride month

IN PRIDE month, everything and everyone LGBTQ+ gets to shine. Which is why we’re outing these iconic figures from the storied past and you can’t stop us: 

Henry VIII, 1491-1547

Not so much six wives as six beards, old Harry was unable to sire a son because he got the vapours at the sight of a fanny. He was at it with everyone from Thomas More to the stable boy to Francis I of France. Anne Boleyn wasn’t executed for infidelity but for borrowing his bejewelled mules for a dance and returning them covered in scuffs.

Boudica, 25-61

This iconic Iceni queen was marching on London long before the first Pride, but never gets credit as a first-century bisexual who gathered armies under the motto ‘I’ll give anyone a go, as long as they’re not a bloody Roman’.

The Venerable Bede, 672-735

Anyone with a name this fabulous has to be gay, and while the Anglo-Saxon scholar is best known for his books of theology, that’s because his parties in Monkwearmouth monastery were so legendary and sexually excessive nobody could remember a thing about them. Definitely the Freddie Mercury of the 700s.

Jane Austen, 1775-1817

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Jane was a mad twat-diver, which is why she wrote novels mocking the silly cishets and their pathetic courtship rituals. She never married, lived alone with her cats and wrote Pride and Prejudice, the title alone of which is a dead giveaway.

John F Kennedy, 1917-1963

Like Henry VIII, used a reputation for philandering to hide his rampant, unapologetic gayness. Regularly paraded around the White House in leather chaps and a cowboy hat and met Lee Harvey Oswald at a Dallas gloryhole. The CIA tried to cover this up with unconvincing conspiracy theories and dispatched Oswald’s pimp, Jack Ruby, to kill him.

Isaac Newton, 1642-1726

Lifelong bachelor. Spent his whole life spectacularly bewigged. Discovered the rainbow, for God’s sake.

Larry Grayson, 1923-1995

Though nobody would ever have suspected, the taciturn, hard-as-nails host of The Generation Game from 1978 to 1982 was actually a closeted homosexual. He concealed his sexuality behind a facade of overpowering masculinity as did his 1990s successor, Jim Davidson.

William Cavendish-Bentinck, 3rd Duke of Portland, 1738-1809

Oh come on. You’ve only got to look at him.