WANT to avoid a similar fate to Peter Bone and Crispin Blunt? Follow this handy guide for when you should keep your dick in your pants.
In the House of Commons
The plush green leather benches might seem like the ideal place to unzip and whip out your member, but you must resist. And yes, that includes backbenchers who think they’re safely hidden away. Even something as innocent as looking at porn is verboten in the House of Commons, meaning getting your dick out is totally off limits.
On a business trip
Just because you’re not in the office that doesn’t mean the basic rules of penis etiquette no longer apply. Yes, taking it out in the hotel bathroom is permissible, but first make sure a member of your team isn’t in there already. That sort of thing is frowned upon and could get you suspended from your seat, however much you claim you thought the room was empty.
It will sound like snowflake wokery gone mad, but the public tends to get offended if you rock up on their doorstep with your penis poking out of your flies. You’re haemorrhaging seats as it is, so for the love of God double check that your problematic organ is out of sight before you go knocking on doors if you want to keep your job.
During a televised interview
Getting your dick out when there are no cameras around is bad enough. But at least that can be hushed up and pictures won’t be splashed across the papers. Tug it out on Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg though and you’re f**ked. You’d think that shouldn’t have to be spelled out but you all seem to be having cock-related mishaps every other week.
Pretty much any time you’re not pissing
Sounds obvious, but there really is little need to get your dick out if you’re not taking a leak. In fact, maybe don’t even do that when you’re in a work environment, and save all your peeing for home. Yes, you’ll have to put up with an uncomfortably full bladder, but that’s got to be better than ending up as yet another disgraced Tory sex pest.