When to keep your dick in your pants: A guide for Tory MPs

WANT to avoid a similar fate to Peter Bone and Crispin Blunt? Follow this handy guide for when you should keep your dick in your pants.

In the House of Commons

The plush green leather benches might seem like the ideal place to unzip and whip out your member, but you must resist. And yes, that includes backbenchers who think they’re safely hidden away. Even something as innocent as looking at porn is verboten in the House of Commons, meaning getting your dick out is totally off limits.

On a business trip

Just because you’re not in the office that doesn’t mean the basic rules of penis etiquette no longer apply. Yes, taking it out in the hotel bathroom is permissible, but first make sure a member of your team isn’t in there already. That sort of thing is frowned upon and could get you suspended from your seat, however much you claim you thought the room was empty.

When canvassing

It will sound like snowflake wokery gone mad, but the public tends to get offended if you rock up on their doorstep with your penis poking out of your flies. You’re haemorrhaging seats as it is, so for the love of God double check that your problematic organ is out of sight before you go knocking on doors if you want to keep your job.

During a televised interview

Getting your dick out when there are no cameras around is bad enough. But at least that can be hushed up and pictures won’t be splashed across the papers. Tug it out on Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg though and you’re f**ked. You’d think that shouldn’t have to be spelled out but you all seem to be having cock-related mishaps every other week.

Pretty much any time you’re not pissing

Sounds obvious, but there really is little need to get your dick out if you’re not taking a leak. In fact, maybe don’t even do that when you’re in a work environment, and save all your peeing for home. Yes, you’ll have to put up with an uncomfortably full bladder, but that’s got to be better than ending up as yet another disgraced Tory sex pest.

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Man hit by wave of 50th birthday parties

A MAN who thought his days of attending large social events were over has been deluged by unwelcome invites to 50th birthday celebrations.

Martin Bishop, aged 49, now dreads the flap of the letterbox or the ping of his email even more than usual, in case it brings another invitation that will force him to squeeze into his smart trousers and leave the house after dark.

Bishop said: “It seems that everyone I’ve ever known wants to mark this depressing milestone on their way to the grave.

“What are we celebrating? The need to start on Viagra and HRT? Having to work for another 20 years because the numbers in our mortgages and pensions seem to be the wrong way round?

“And the actual socialising part is so awkward. You ask how their mum is, and of course she died two years ago. But you didn’t know because you stopped following their Facebook when it turned into nothing but Parkrun times.

“You think you’re saved when the student disco classic Jump Around comes on and you can escape to the dance floor. But before you get to the first chorus, you realise your knees can’t take it nowadays.

“But I can’t just tell people I don’t want to go, obviously. I’ll have to start looking into faking my own death.”