A confused Millennial tries to… continue to enjoy Harry Potter

By Josh Gardner, who got sorted into Gryffindor on his twelfth try

Like every child who counts, I grew up loving Harry Potter. It got our generation into reading and spending hundreds of pounds at a walk-through studio tour in Leavesden. 

I cherish my memories of staying up late to flick through each book again and again, marvelling at their originality and quality of writing because I hadn’t read anything else at the time. It made me feel all brainy like Hermione, whose name I misread for four years.

Harry Potter was truly our own, apart from all the adults reading it. Unlike unimaginative adult tales about magical rings or dragon kingdoms, it was original. I pity what they had to make do with.

And the movies! Far from cynical cash-ins starring a non-actor, they were authentic adaptations of our beloved tales. They even split the last part in two and shot it in 3D to include every detail.

But oddly, when I picked up the series for my summer re-read, I found them… underwhelming. Was it because I’d become an adult, because I’d read them to death, or because JK Rowling is evil now?

Instead of gripping page-turners, they felt like the deranged word salad of a writer whose editor was drowning in dollars. As I found myself skipping whole chapters, I wondered if I was the problem.

Friends couldn’t help, denouncing me for supporting that ‘evil terf hack’ and encouraging me to read books for adults, like the Heartstopper series of graphic novels.

I struggled through the first few books, desperately searching for all those moments that had shaped my childhood. Then I hit the midpoint of Order of the Phoenix and knew I could go no further. No wonder we were all searching for reasons to hate her.

It’s a shame really, these were wholesome stories about an abused orphan being used as a pawn in a game of good vs evil. But I guess it’s time to put it behind me and grow up. If you need me, I’ll be adulting with the queer representation in Inside Out 2. 

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Your astrological week ahead for June 22nd, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

How dare the computer say your password is spelt incorrectly. It’s your f**king password. You decide how it’s spelt.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Red sky at night, angel delight. Red sky in morning, Hermann Göring.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

To you, Santa Monica is an aunt who dressed up in an inappropriately sexy outfit to leave your presents on Christmas Eve. But to Rishi Sunak, it’s home.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Next time you’re texted asking if you’ve recently been in a car accident, respond saying yes, you were fatally injured and your restless spirit wants revenge on the other driver. You’ll definitely get a call back.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

A big fish in a small pond sounds kind of cruel. Unsubscribe.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Wandering around a National Trust property, you slip backward in time to that same National Trust property in 1984.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Every day of your life ranked, from worst to best. Number one will surprise you!

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

American TV really oversold how much of dating would be bidding for someone you fancy in a charity auction.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You know who should have done an Eras tour? Motörhead.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

It’s not really ‘painter and decorator’, is it? They’re not adding flourishes in gold leaf. It’s ‘painter and wallpaperer’.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

The secret to success is to find your passion. Then, become an investment banker.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

If you held the T-shirts up and then squirted them with water, you’d be able to see which T-shirt is most absorbent and wins the competition. There’s no need to put them on women.