A white home counties roadman's bruv actin' like Snoop Dogg coz him's been to Hamsterdam

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has snubbed his best friend Drilla for going to Amsterdam and behaving like a gangsta.

WAGWAN? Active J been cold. Man woz sayin’ nuffink to no bruv, hespecially da XL dickhead, Drilla!

Hear man for true, innit! Active J told parentdem to go to Hamsterdam in da half-term. But no, dem’s took Active J to wasteman Center Parcs, on da pedal bikes wiv da swimmin’ an’ da trees. Rank, bruh!

Den man gets snaps from da massive deadman Drilla an’ him’s at da Hamsterdam coffee shops, throwin’ shapes an’ bein’ all gangsta! Postin’ bare TikToks outside shops wiv da sex gyaldem. Man woz so vexed.

Den back in school, wasteman woz actin’ like him’s Snoop Dogg, sayin’ him woz blazin’ doobies in da coffee shops, innit. Dickhead had mandem an’ gyaldem crews fink him dench, wiv him’s new boxfresh Air Max 95s an’ North Face drip wiv da Dutchdem labels, an’ swaggin’ around, sayin’ ‘Did somebody say Just Eat?’

An’ da worst woz man’s gyal, Lady G, woz spendin’ bare time finkin’ da dickhead nang. Active J woz not jealous, an’ man wud bare pound any man dat said him woz.

Den at break today on da hastroturf, Lady G sez: ‘Does man know wot today is?‘, an’ man sez: ’Thursday, innit. Coz we ‘ad history wiv Miss Jackson.’ An’ Lady G sez: ‘No cuz, it’s our one month hanniversary, innit’, an’ gives man a kiss an’ a can of Monster, an’ sez: ‘Lady G got sumfink else for man.’

Gyal sez: ‘Drilla bought a snide vape in Hamsterdam wiv da weed oil. Him threw a two-day whitey an’ stinked of cat piss an’ ruined da family holiday, now him’s grounded until Heaster.’

Oh man! No dickhead Drilla for two weeks. Active J buying peng gyal Maccy Ds to celebrate. Gassed hanniversary.

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How long does it last?

A) About five minutes. No point in fannying about for longer, especially if the snooker is starting soon. Oddly, though, she always disappears to the bathroom straight afterwards for a while, before coming out looking much more relaxed. Can’t imagine what she’s getting up to in there.

B) God, ages, I can keep going for nearly an hour sometimes. That’s what women love, isn’t it, a lengthy, Tantric-esque performance? I’m like Sting, only without the lute, or the money.

Much foreplay?

A) What, cunnilingus and all that? No, waste of everyone’s time if you ask me. Get in, get out, don’t f**k about, that’s my motto. Life’s too short to spend it with your tongue up someone’s genitals.

B) Loads. I can spend at least half an hour stroking and probing before getting to the main event, a bit like the support band before the headliner. I sometimes catch her looking at her watch. I guess she’s just astonished by how long I can lovingly spend pleasuring her.

The delicate issue of length?

A) Pretty sure I’m the standard six inches like every other man. It does look a bit less, but that’s probably the angle I’m viewing it from. She’s never complained but then she does avoid looking at it too closely.

B) The whole nine inches, which I know for a fact from the cock measuring contests we have in the shower after rugby matches. You know, before we all do that hilariously funny helicoptering thing.

Do you try different positions?

A) No, just missionary. Doggy-style is best left to the animals and as for her going on top, tried it once, didn’t like it. I got annoyed because I wasn’t the one in the driving seat, like when she insists on driving to Tesco because I keep pranging the car on the bollards.

B) You name it, we do it. We make the Karma Sutra look like an introductory pamphlet. She says her favourite is Reverse Cowgirl because she doesn’t have to look my face, but that’s just a fun joke.

Does it always result in orgasm?

A) Yes, every time. Well, for me, at least. I don’t ask her, as I know women only like to discuss such things when they’ve drank too much wine with their terrifying friends.

B) Absolutely. I could give her multiple orgasms but she says there’s no need as ‘doing it once is more than enough with you’. Which is a major compliment, right?


Mostly As. It’s you, you needle-dicked, premature-ejaculating coital car crash. The only reason she hasn’t left is because the thought of having to move house is marginally worse than the thought of staying with you forever.

Mostly Bs. It’s still you. Your endless, studly thrusting leaves her red raw and your obsession with bizarre, impractical positions makes her feel like she’s undergoing trials for the GB gymnastics team. Why else do you think she seems to suffer from so many sudden headaches the minute you start unbuttoning your jeans?