Everything that's wrong in my life and why it's Doctor Who's fault: by an obsessed fan

MY LIFE has been nothing but a series of catastrophic failures and humiliating fuck-ups. But it’s not my fault. It’s Doctor Who’s. 

Even when I was a child and watching it was socially acceptable it let me down. All the other kids were watching Miami Vice while I got the shit kicked out of me for explaining the satirical nuances of the Kandy Man.

Adolescence wasn’t much better. Doctor Who wasn’t considered ‘cool’. Girls weren’t impressed that I could recite entire scenes of City of Death from memory and thought my collection of Dapol figures were creepy.

Then the series ended, the TV movie was shit and Doctor Who was dead. I went cold turkey. I was clean at last. Friends and family treated me like a respectable human being. I started dating. Then it all went to shit because they brought it back.

It looked good. The plots didn’t drag on for four episodes of running around in the woods. Christopher Eccleston wasn’t dressed up like a twat. Everyone loved it. But for me it was a fat line of coke under my junkie nose. I relapsed, hard.

I fell behind at work because I couldn’t stop posting on message boards. My girlfriend found I’d spent our holiday fund on a hidden stash of Character Options figures and left me. I watched the Christmas specials alone.

I thought the revival would only last for a couple of years but it’s still f**king going. And now they’ve released hundreds of episodes, a handful of which are almost decent, on DVD. How can I not get all those?

Then there’s the books. And comics. And audio dramas. And collectable Sky Ray lolly cards. It’s like 20 obsessions in one. You can never get your fill. I will never be free.

And now I’m branded a misogynist for hating the Jodie Whittaker era. If you’d seen The Timeless Children and what it does to the lore – which you haven’t, viewing figures are in the shitter – you’d be hurling as many gendered insults as I am.

If Doctor Who had never happened I’d be a rich, successful playboy getting more pussy than Stephen Moffat in 2010, the height of his powers. Instead I’m doomed to make brilliant but obscure cultural references for the rest of my days.

The curse will never end. The new special’s on Sunday, with Daleks, Cybermen and the Master. It’ll be total shit. I’m counting the minutes.

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I can't carry on like this until the election, Sir Keir. It's humiliating that everyone thinks I'm this thick

I THOUGHT I was ready for anything as your undercover agent in the Tories. Interrogation, danger, all that. But not the whole world thinking I’m a cretin. 

Everywhere I go I’m a laughing stock. Cabinet, Parliament, the 1922 Committee, the BBC, they’re all nudging each other and saying ‘That’s her. That’s the one who crashed an entire country.’

At least Kwasi’s gone. You were right, he really did believe all that low-tax high-growth bollocks. He was shocked to be fired. ‘But Liz, you and me! Bonnie and Clyde! We were tearing this shithouse down together!’

‘Well,’ I told him, ‘it turns out disrupting involves an unacceptable level of disruption. And banks aren’t keen to lend you billions based on the word ‘growth’.’

‘You can’t have been saying it right,’ he said. ‘I did! I said it really boldly and emphatically while gazing steely-eyed into an aspirational future!’ ‘Bollocks,’ he said.

Now they’ve parachuted Hunt in, who is either extremely surprised to have gone from being a random prick to chancellor or that’s just his face, and he won’t talk to me. Or look at me. Or be in the same room.

Two minders follow me wherever I go. I was worried my cover was blown. No. ‘She’s too stupid to be left alone,’ Hunt said, and didn’t even care I was there.

I was only allowed in the Commons on condition I didn’t say anything. I tried to look wise and statesmanlike, as if the total reversal of my plans was my plan all along, but on telly I looked like a plucked owl.

Britain hates me. Joe Biden thinks I’m a dick. I’m a world-renowned moron. I can’t wait until you win the election and reveal I was your agent all along. You’re not going to do that, are you? Shit.