FACE it, no matter how longingly you stare at the gimp suits in the window of the fetish shop, you’ll never end up at a sex party. You’re just not the type.
And if you did, even in a room where the one rule is fuck anything that moves you’d end up making it awkward. This is how you’d embarrass yourself horribly while having your arse out:
Try too hard
You know how there’s always ‘that guy’ at a normal party? Be over-keen and soon you’re ‘that guy’ at the sex party. The horny can smell desperation so arriving lubed from head-to-toe, panting like a puppy, pretending you’re up for anything and it’s clearly all front? Nobody will want your leather-buckled body anywhere near them.
Ignore the dress code
Like a restaurant that won’t let you in without a tie, exclusive sex parties will turn you away at the door if you’re not stark bollock naked. Kicking up a fuss and demanding the manager when asked to strip is a great way to announce that you absolutely do not belong in this relaxed, free-spirited playground of Eros. You’ll leave clothed and ashamed.
Remain unaroused
Being the lone person trying to summon a stiffy in the midst of a great, writhing mass of pleasure is a buzzkill. You’re as good as telling the couple engaged in enthusiastic doggystyle before you that they’re flabby and have bad tattoos. Being found later on enigmatically flicking through a book in a stairwell isn’t intriguing and nobody cares.
Have a jealous fit
Deciding to attend the party as a couple but then freaking out when you see your husband going wild on a bearded man’s knob will mark you out as a newbie. Pretend you’re into watching it, make chit-chat then move on to the kitchen and smear yourself in cream like a normal person.
See it as a networking opportunity
Take your authentic self to the orgy, but don’t hand out business cards. Nobody has anywhere to put them, apart from the big-boobed who can tuck one under each, and people aren’t receptive to B2B marketing pitches when they’ve got a different cock in each hole.
Just be yourself
Stop overthinking it! Just be your uptight, non-free-spirited self and your unease will ruin if for everyone. Whether it’s paranoia about STDs or cracking wise at an inopportune moment, you’ll soon be wanking alone in the upstairs loo.
