How to be the odd one out at a sex party, by the Mash sex columnist

FACE it, no matter how longingly you stare at the gimp suits in the window of the fetish shop, you’ll never end up at a sex party. You’re just not the type. 

And if you did, even in a room where the one rule is fuck anything that moves you’d end up making it awkward. This is how you’d embarrass yourself horribly while having your arse out:

Try too hard

You know how there’s always ‘that guy’ at a normal party? Be over-keen and soon you’re ‘that guy’ at the sex party. The horny can smell desperation so arriving lubed from head-to-toe, panting like a puppy, pretending you’re up for anything and it’s clearly all front? Nobody will want your leather-buckled body anywhere near them.

Ignore the dress code

Like a restaurant that won’t let you in without a tie, exclusive sex parties will turn you away at the door if you’re not stark bollock naked. Kicking up a fuss and demanding the manager when asked to strip is a great way to announce that you absolutely do not belong in this relaxed, free-spirited playground of Eros. You’ll leave clothed and ashamed.

Remain unaroused

Being the lone person trying to summon a stiffy in the midst of a great, writhing mass of pleasure is a buzzkill. You’re as good as telling the couple engaged in enthusiastic doggystyle before you that they’re flabby and have bad tattoos. Being found later on enigmatically flicking through a book in a stairwell isn’t intriguing and nobody cares.

Have a jealous fit

Deciding to attend the party as a couple but then freaking out when you see your husband going wild on a bearded man’s knob will mark you out as a newbie. Pretend you’re into watching it, make chit-chat then move on to the kitchen and smear yourself in cream like a normal person.

See it as a networking opportunity

Take your authentic self to the orgy, but don’t hand out business cards. Nobody has anywhere to put them, apart from the big-boobed who can tuck one under each, and people aren’t receptive to B2B marketing pitches when they’ve got a different cock in each hole.

Just be yourself

Stop overthinking it! Just be your uptight, non-free-spirited self and your unease will ruin if for everyone. Whether it’s paranoia about STDs or cracking wise at an inopportune moment, you’ll soon be wanking alone in the upstairs loo.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

There’s no place like home. Except IKEA. That’s quite like it.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Fonts you’ve had sexual fantasies about: Lucida Grande. Helvetica Bold. Verdana. Ariel Black, but not the one from the new Little Mermaid.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Those Prime drinks should only be sold for 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19 or 23 quid.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Look, your three-year-old was up too late, he saw the trailer, you lied about it, he misunderstood and so yes, his teddy is called Cokey. Short for Cocaine Bear.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

If they want a bigger audience for The Ashes they should upgrade the prize. Still ashes, but maybe Elvis’s or Jerry Springer’s.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Thirty days hath September, May, January and November. See? You can put any fucking month in there and it still scans.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Grey food unnerves you. What are mushrooms hiding?

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

You’re so vain you probably think the song is about you, and the song is Built To Spill’s Nowhere Nothin’ Fuckup.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Poor Phil Schofield. I bet he still rises from his sofa at 11.15am every morning to introduce an item about how to feng shui your garden.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

‘Fit for a king’ is a good way to describe Charles’s clothing but an awkward way to describe Charles himself.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Nothing as stupid as a dog and as mean as a cat should be that big. That’s your assessment of horses.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

“Warren? No, I’ve not met him, but I’ve smelled his piss around,” your dog says to next door’s Shih Tzu.