How to talk dirty when the very thought makes you want to crawl in the wardrobe and die

DIRTY talk is hot, except when you try it. Then the only hot part is your flushed, ashamed face as you pray for an embarrassment-induced stroke. 

But sex is all about communication, not the base interaction of genitalia, so you really have no choice but to say ‘fuck me harder, I love it’ to your boyfriend however much you both hate it. Give these a go:

Take the pressure off

Any string of sex words will do, you don’t have to be Shakespeare. Yes, the Bard of Avon was an epic dirty-talker, but you’re a technical support manager from Bolton. Nobody’s expecting poetry. Name a few obvious things you like your husband to do and stick with it.

Ideally go for stuff that’s actually happening or are within his capabilities, like ‘I love it when you tongue my clit’ rather than the over-ambitious ‘fuck me like I’ve never been fucked before’. He’ll fuck you pretty much like he’s fucked you previously whatever.

Find inspiration

Put your ear to your horny flatmate’s bedroom wall. Go back through the WhatsApps of that ex you dumped because she was actually honest about sex stuff. Rewatch Nigella’s early cookery shows.

It’s all great inspiration. And when you’ve stopped wanking, you can start committing some choice lines to memory. Porn is of limited use here. Lines like ‘grunt for me, cum-whore’ may spark intense feelings in your lover, but not sexy ones.

Fake it

You never thought you’d convincingly fake an orgasm until the first time you decided to give up on yourself and hurry things along, and it’s amazing how easy that was. So try dirty talk that sounds like it but isn’t.

Whisper your to-do list close in your boyfriend’s ear, cry out Ben & Jerry’s flavours as he goes down on you, read the Guardian homepage out loud as you pull him off. He’ll hear whatever he needs to when his cock’s doing the thinking.

Pass the buck

Got writers’ block? Sidestep the pressure to come up with your own ideas by tricking your girlfriend into doing the legwork. Present her with a decent prompt, like ‘tell me how my cock feels in you right now’ and then just echo her moans of ‘a bit soft, oh yeah, I love how gentle you are’ and the job’s done with no strain on your own imagination.


Humour’s key to great sex. As soon as you go too far and say something genuinely arousing, break the spell by laughing in your husband’s face. If he says he feels like a right dickhead now and pulls out, good.

Perhaps now you’ll both accept that talking during sex is only meant for hot-blooded continental lovers and those far more comfortable in their own skin than you are or could ever hope to be.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

To say sorry for all the lives lost in elderly care homes, Matt Hancock has used his I’m A Celebrity money to buy each of them a mechanical rodeo bull.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Your partner never wants to make love with the lights on but you do, so you’ve compromised with strobes and a smoke machine.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

It’s weird that, post-pandemic, everyone still thinks of going viral as a good thing.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

If carol singers knock on your door, start singing O Come All Ye Faithful so they have to pay money back to you. Two can play at that game, muthafuckers.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Leo is a fire sign. Why would a lion be on fire? What is this, a Russian circus?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Like all Virgos, you are a virgin. No sex for you this week, just a game of Warhammer with your loser Virgo mates Idris Elba, Chris Pine and Cameron Diaz.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It’s a sad indictment of marriage today when a man has to contact six sexual partners to tell them he’s got chlamydia but not his own wife.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21nd

Bad news – the stars predict a break-in at your home in the small hours of 25 December. Have a baseball bat handy for some brutal vigilante justice.

Sagittarius, November 22rd–December 21st

The Olympics are only two years away. You should learn to swim before it’s too late to win a medal.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

‘By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail,’ said Benjamin Franklin. Sadly your partner disagrees and thinks you should just take the fucking rubbish out now.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

If you don’t celebrate Christmas because you reject consumerism and religion, remember to talk about it 500 times more than anyone talks about Christmas. 

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

At this time of year we should think about those less fortunate than ourselves. Then move on.