DIRTY talk is hot, except when you try it. Then the only hot part is your flushed, ashamed face as you pray for an embarrassment-induced stroke. 

But sex is all about communication, not the base interaction of genitalia, so you really have no choice but to say ‘fuck me harder, I love it’ to your boyfriend however much you both hate it. Give these a go:

Take the pressure off

Any string of sex words will do, you don’t have to be Shakespeare. Yes, the Bard of Avon was an epic dirty-talker, but you’re a technical support manager from Bolton. Nobody’s expecting poetry. Name a few obvious things you like your husband to do and stick with it.

Ideally go for stuff that’s actually happening or are within his capabilities, like ‘I love it when you tongue my clit’ rather than the over-ambitious ‘fuck me like I’ve never been fucked before’. He’ll fuck you pretty much like he’s fucked you previously whatever.

Find inspiration

Put your ear to your horny flatmate’s bedroom wall. Go back through the WhatsApps of that ex you dumped because she was actually honest about sex stuff. Rewatch Nigella’s early cookery shows.

It’s all great inspiration. And when you’ve stopped wanking, you can start committing some choice lines to memory. Porn is of limited use here. Lines like ‘grunt for me, cum-whore’ may spark intense feelings in your lover, but not sexy ones.

Fake it

You never thought you’d convincingly fake an orgasm until the first time you decided to give up on yourself and hurry things along, and it’s amazing how easy that was. So try dirty talk that sounds like it but isn’t.

Whisper your to-do list close in your boyfriend’s ear, cry out Ben & Jerry’s flavours as he goes down on you, read the Guardian homepage out loud as you pull him off. He’ll hear whatever he needs to when his cock’s doing the thinking.

Pass the buck

Got writers’ block? Sidestep the pressure to come up with your own ideas by tricking your girlfriend into doing the legwork. Present her with a decent prompt, like ‘tell me how my cock feels in you right now’ and then just echo her moans of ‘a bit soft, oh yeah, I love how gentle you are’ and the job’s done with no strain on your own imagination.

Laugh

Humour’s key to great sex. As soon as you go too far and say something genuinely arousing, break the spell by laughing in your husband’s face. If he says he feels like a right dickhead now and pulls out, good.

Perhaps now you’ll both accept that talking during sex is only meant for hot-blooded continental lovers and those far more comfortable in their own skin than you are or could ever hope to be.