Kamala Harris! Elon Musk! The Italian fascist lady, all at my AI conference! 'You have found your level,' says my wife

From the diary of Rishi Sunak, Britain’s most AI-compatible prime minister

A GLITTERING array of world leaders have flown in for my AI conference. X-Man Elon Musk, the US vice-president you see so little of and a woman from the EU I hate. 

‘There could always be more world leaders, yes,’ I say excitedly, straightening my tie, ‘but I won’t apologise for my ambition in reaching out to Xi Jinping, and anyway look who we’ve got!’

Akshata looks round the curtain. She didn’t want to come, but Elon’s here and he’s a billionaire so outranks her so her dad ordered her to.

‘I see the UN guy here for Christmas shopping, the black woman who pushes Biden’s wheelchair, and the fascist from the Italian shopping channel,’ she says. ‘I told you cancel when Bill Gates and Bono wouldn’t return my calls. What even is Blotchy Park?’

‘Bletchley,’ I correct, patiently. ‘This is where Professor Stephen Hawking cracked the Enigma code for the first time. It’s a reminder that Britain always leads the way.’

‘In employing Indian programmers,’ my wife adds. ‘Okay, get out there, don’t tell them what you told me about wanting to become an AI, text me the minute Elon arrives even if it’s in the middle of your big speech. Father wants a low-orbit satellite.’

‘I’m going to tell them how wonderful AI is,’ I promise. ‘I’m going to extol its benefits, like being as dangerous as nuclear war, and tell them that I can be their Oppenheimer, baby.’

‘Don’t say baby,’ Akshata advises. ‘And ask Elon about tech roles in California starting 2025. They employ Nick Clegg, you have at least a chance.’

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Gary Barlow, and the other celebrities I'd love to punch in the face for money by Tyson Fury

AFTER a controversial win over an MMA fighter last weekend, The Gypsy King has turned his thoughts to the next non-boxer he’d happily take on in the ring for £50 million: 

Gary Barlow

I love Rule The World as much as the next man, and Back For Good? Bloody tune mate. But Gary Barlow’s face? Even you people call it punchable, and you don’t punch for a living. I do and you are absolutely correct. It’s a target that speaks to me across distance, across generations, and my only regret is one blow would do it.

Grant and Phil Mitchell

Ask any punter on the street who the hardest blokes in Britain are, and they’ll say the Mitchell brothers. They’ve fought each other, but I’ll take both of those bollock-headed bastards on simultaneously. An old-fashioned three-way heavyweight clash in front of a sell-out crowd at East London’s Olympic stadium. Bosh.

Daddy Pig

At last count, I have just over half-a-dozen kids; all the boys called Prince, obviously, and the girls called Venezuela and the like. Which means I’ve watched more than a decade of Peppa fucking Pig so I am calling her out. She can’t fight, I won’t beat a child bloody, so her father’s going to need to step up. I’ll pummel him like Rocky on a side of beef.

Prince George

Yes, George is at a considerable height, weight and reach disadvantage. But just imagine the numbers we’d bring in as a pay-per-view. Genuine royalty, facing off against those German pricks who call themselves a monarchy? Taking a left and right to the face? Spitting out bloodied baby teeth and coming back for more? Respect on that.

Johannes Vermeer

He might be a Dutch artist of the Baroque period who specialised in intensely-worked interiors with a genius for capturing light, but could he take a punch? I reckon so. There’s just something about how he captures the ethereal falling away of light that gives me the impression that once he got his dander up he’d be a fucking madman. Could lose this one.

Muhammad Ali

Of course he’s dead, but what the fuck are we pissing about with AI for if not this? If not for the perfect solid light hologram of The Greatest to climb in the ring and go 15 rounds? Me, Ali, the ethically questionable country of Saudi Arabia, ringside seats $1.2 million, split decision and a rematch. Or if not him, Batman.