From the diary of Rishi Sunak, Britain’s prime minister
THE papers say it was my best PMQs yet. I arrive home and the door’s locked. ‘No prime ministers of poor countries,’ my wife says on the intercom.
She’s such a joker. It’s just that, coming from very different backgrounds, her jokes tend to have a harder edge than mine and verge on cruelty. ‘Akshata?’ I said. ‘Oh alright come on up,’ she said. ‘But no work talk.’
I’m not currently allowed in the big kitchen or to use her personal chef, because she said if I want to work for a bloody living I have to live like it. But I dial up some Deliveroo and join her in the anteroom.
‘Gave Starmer a real hiding,’ I told her, not unreasonably pleased with myself. ‘He may have been a QC, but he tied himself in knots on private schools.’
‘Oh my God, you’re serious?’ she said. ‘He’s serious. You made the puffy-faced solicitor trip over his words a little and you are proud. What is wrong with you? What did I marry?’
‘But -’ I said, wrongly, because she hadn’t finished. ‘Bad enough you’re an MP. Bad enough you’re chief money-launderer for Johnson. Now you’re prime minister and having silly little arguments like a neighbour on Coronation Street. I am so ashamed.’
I draw myself up to my full height. ‘Now Akshata,’ I say, but she still hasn’t finished. ‘You did do the favour for my father? On China? You are some use, surely.’
‘Yes,’ I say, having lost my train of thought a little. ‘You said you’d watched my speech? I told the Lord Mayor’s Banquet that the golden era of UK-Chinese relations was over.’
‘It was on in the background,’ she said. ‘I hate those Mayor things. Nothing sadder than cheap opulence. And you said the golden era of UK-India relations was just beginning?’
‘I didn’t quite get there,’ I admitted. ‘You have to know your audience.’ ‘And I have to know my idiot,’ she replied. ‘Wonderful. Now I have to call Daddy and say you let him down.
‘By the way your Deliveroo is here. Get a job with them, why don’t you?’