When Laurence Fox cannot call you a paedophile without being bankrupted, freedom is dead

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who believes the Met should be classified as a terrorist organisation

IT IS every Englishman’s inalienable right, when defending himself on social media, to brand strangers paedophiles and gin up a mob. 

Churchill did it, withdrawing his charges of ‘Welsh paedo’ against Nye Bevan only after the latter had been dismembered by an angry crowd and scattered across a Cardiff trainyard. Henry VIII did it to Anne Boleyn, and Mordred to Lancelot.

On these isles, it is as ancient a tradition as impregnating and subsequently murdering a maidservant. Yet when Laurence Fox, harried by the hounds of wokeness, takes his turn suddenly it is all change.

Suddenly, accusing a stranger of paedophilia to approximately one billion Twitter followers – I refuse to use its post-transition name X – is a serious matter. Suddenly, for no other reason than the authorities’ thirst to bring Laurence down, it is libel.

Nonsense. I spend at least half of every day calling strangers paedophiles. Whether on the neighbourhood Facebook, Yelp, TripAdvisor or just shouted from a passing car, I’m at it constantly and it’s always taken in the spirit intended: light-hearted jest.

Yet when Mr Fox said the same after being taunted by drag queers and career queens for being racist, it was treated as a serious slur. Was it coincidence that polls at the time showed him 200 per cent ahead of the despised Sadiq Khan in the London mayoral race?

Today we learn he has been fined £90,000 per nonce. No wonder the BBC got away with covering up the late Jimmy Savile’s crimes for so many years if that’s the price of justice.

And so, kicked out of GB News, ineligible to run as mayor because he is white, custody of his children awarded to Billie Piper and David Tennant, Laurence has lost everything.

He will end his days in London’s Docklands, destitute and broken, working as a male prostitute. Offering head and hand to Canary Wharf bankers at a quid a pop. And the same goes for freedom of speech in this broken country.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man realises he would have bullied his teenage self too

A MAN looking back on a miserable adolescence ruined by bullies has come to the conclusion that, on balance, he probably deserved it.

Nathan Muir, aged 41, had always believed the teasing that dogged him through secondary school was uncalled for. However, after looking through a box of his teenage things stored in his mum’s attic, he has taken the bullies’ side.

Muir said: “It turns out I was an unbearable, self-righteous little twat with criminally bad taste and deserved every ounce of persecution I got.

“My diary made me want to punch my teenage self. It begins with a pompous treatise about how terrible ‘modern’ bands like Nirvana are, and how real musicians like ELO and Feargal Sharkey deserve more respect.

“And it goes on to complain that someone pinched my prefect badge and so, in retaliation, I reported them to the headmaster for ‘illegally’ smoking on the tennis courts.

“Now I understand why I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 26. The simple fact is that I was a dickhead.”

Nathan’s mum Mary said: “It’s sad when your child comes home from school crying because the other kids were ripping the piss out of him for playing the recorder to Grade 8 level.

“Half of me, of course, wanted to comfort him. The other half wanted to flush his head down the toilet for being such a f**king nerd.”