THE UK cannot fathom what connection there could possibly be between Russia, Trump, Farage, Brexit, huge amounts of money and naked greed. We puzzle it out: 

Russia

Has massive slush funds controlled by the state which are directed to its pet political causes. Favours the break-up of the EU, the end of NATO, the rise of right-wing fascism and Chelsea FC. But surely would never dare interfere with Western countries, apart from the polonium business and that Novichok nonsense.

Trump

Known to like money and not be good at business. Hates China, hates the EU, has threatened to leave NATO, never says a bad word about Putin. Was once friends with Nigel Farage, though no way does he remember what Brexit was. Very keen on cryptocurrency, coincidentally a secret way of receiving payments across borders.

Farage

Brought us Brexit. Was a big fan of Trump but now doesn’t talk about him. Doesn’t like to talk about Putin either. Hates China, hates the EU, lavishly funded by cryptocurrency billionaires. Had left politics until he received a £5m payment of unspecified gratitude. But as a patriot, surely would never be influenced by a foreign power? Except the US.

Brexit

Weakened the EU, weakened NATO, weakened Britain. Championed by Boris Johnson, who shortly after entering Downing Street made a newspaper proprietor Lord Lebedev of Siberia. According to our new prime minister there was Russian interference in the Brexit vote, but why? What reason could there possibly be?

Absolutely massive amounts of money

Strangely, the one linking element between all the entities above. Russia has money, cryptocurrency billionaires have untraceable money, Trump loves money, Farage loves money, Johnson loves money and unprotected sex, Britain now doesn’t have any money. Still, we should be careful not to draw conclusions based on copious evidence.

You, being f**ked over by bastards

The ordinary working Briton, American and even Russian has suffered a rough couple of decades. The credit crunch, austerity, Brexit, lying politicians and having no money to buy anything are all key issues. But none of that is connected to any of the above, all of which are completely unconnected to each other. It’s a mystery.