Djokovic fully supports your right to call him a knobhead

TENNIS star Novak Djokovic says he personally does not believe himself to be a knobhead but he fully supports your freedom to refer to him as one.

After saying he would rather miss out on future tennis trophies than be vaccinated against Covid, Djokovic defended the public’s right to call him a knobhead on the basis of that decision.

He said: “I’ve never been against people calling me a knobhead. If you feel it’s necessary to do so that’s your choice and I respect it.

“But personally I’m very particular about how I refer to myself, so you’re never going to catch me pointing at my reflection and saying ‘knobhead’. Though I am keeping my mind open to the possibility.

“That doesn’t mean I’m part of the anti-knobhead movement though. Far from it. In fact I used to call people a knobhead as a child. I just try to be in tune with my body and I feel I would be the first to know if my head was, in fact, a knob.

“I’m open-minded to the idea of calling myself a knobhead in the future. But that would depend on me doing something that only a knobhead would do, like f**king up my own career for no good reason whatsoever.”

After pausing for a moment to reflect, he added: “Actually, yeah. I’m a knobhead.”

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How to handle divorce the Kanye way

DIVORCE is a uniquely stressful and emotional time, so why not take lessons from a narcissistic multi-millionaire with a god complex? 

Start your mid-life crisis early

Many divorcees make the mistake of waiting until the decree nisi to spiral into leather trousers, sports cars and impending bankruptcy. Get things moving at breakneck pace with deranged outbursts, shit-ugly shoes and a doomed presidential run. Divorce will be waved through.

Change your name to one word

Your spouse abandoning your surname can be hurtful. Go one better by changing your own name to a single syllable two-letter gutteral sound. Might not have the same emotional charge but it will certainly f**king annoy them.

Surround yourself with twats

At worst they’re under investigation for allegations of sexual violence, at best they’re just rich dickheads. Fill your life with people who can call you out on your worst behaviours, then ask them how you can make those behaviours even more aggravating.

Use children as pawns

Children of divorce always look back and say they only wish their parents had used them against each other in bitter, convoluted legal batles even more. Do what’s right for them, and put their needs behind your need to rinse that extra million out of your former spouse.

Be openly resentful

Spouse moving on with someone you deem unsuitable because they’re not you? Make your disapproval very clear. Insinuate he has nefarious ulterior motives. Mutter darkly about your kids. Ignore the fact you’ve got a new girlfriend because it’s irrelevant.

Post everything to social media

Nothing harm can ever come from unleashing all of your most volatile feelings on Instagram, especially when you have 12.7 million followers. Why piss about with passive-aggressive captions? Post multiple pictures of your ex’s new bloke and photoshop his face onto a cartoon character. That’ll show her you’ve moved on.