The Premier League has never been better but you’re too cheap to go to their matches. Here’s what you’re getting by supporting a shit League Two team instead.
Instead of a convenient location outside the city which has its own dedicated transport links, you get a tumbledown shithole wedged between a sewage works and a railway depot. There’s no car park so you pay a local kid wearing his dad’s Stone Island jacket a tenner to keep an eye on your Renault for a couple of hours, only to return to find both him and the hubcaps gone.
Premier League teams have comfortable state-of-the-art stadiums but being able to perch on a broken plastic seat with an obstructed view is the height of luxury at a League Two game. On top of that, the stand is essentially a corrugated metal warehouse missing a side which feels like it will fall down in a stiff wind. With any luck you’ll get stuck in the temperamental turnstiles which are originals from when the ground opened in 1906 and miss the first half.
Lack of fans
Barely anyone bothers to go to the games, so there’s no atmosphere and the whole club is just an excuse for local men to get out of the house for a few hours at the weekend. Your team is too shit even for a Ryan Reynolds-type character to snap it up for a few quid and turn it into a curiosity. On the plus side, no fans means you don’t have to queue for a piss after necking five pints at the dodgy pub next to the ground before the game.
Terrible half-time food
It’s a world away from the fancy pizzas and lamb burgers served at Old Trafford or The Emirates. Here, the height of culinary sophistication is going for the chicken balti pie over the mince and onion, and it’s all served from a single kiosk, at a snail’s pace, by a woman called Brenda. If you fancy a drink, you can have a pint of Carling or a can of Tizer. Or you can get stuffed.
Given the inferior product you’re getting, you’d think it would be incredibly cheap. But you’d be wrong. For the pleasure of watching a bunch of lads with dodgy sleeve tattoos and pending court cases run around for 90 boring minutes, you’re still paying over £20 a ticket. You could get a Sky Sports subscription for less than that, and have a much better time.