How to drink four lagers before the 10.30am England game: a guide for women

SUPPORTING the Lionesses, who play Haiti at 10.30am today, means you have a duty to be properly lagered up before the game. Here’s how to get through it:

8.45am: Shower lager

Women notoriously spend too long in the shower, so the first can has to be cracked in there. While applying hot oil to your hair or shaving your armpits ensure you take frequent long swigs from your lager. Drink quickly, before it warms up and becomes disgusting, but not so quickly that you become dizzy and have to steady yourself on the glass.

9.15am: Breakfast lager

Not every breakfast goes well with lager. Yogurt and berries, as typically enjoyed by women in adverts, becomes particularly unpalatable. Cereal tastes too meek alongside a can of Red Stripe. A cooked full English is not only patriotic but a perfect accompaniment to your chosen hooligan fuel, and will help it slip easily down.

9.45am: Dressing room lager

In the absence of an England top to pop on – because women’s football fandom is Rizla-thin and doesn’t extend to their sartorial choices – getting dressed will be the usual faff. You should be feeling more than usually merry by now, so slap an outfit together with lager in hand and don’t worry about it matching anything. Make-up application should be carefree.

10.15am: Pre-game lager

At this point you should be so pissed your lagers practically open themselves and your hand feels empty without a can. Time to settle down for the pre-game analysis, which will be a load of f**king bollocks giving whoever’s facing England half a chance even though they’re shit and going to to get f**king tonked. Drain the final can of your four as the whistle for kick-off is blown. You are now ready to start drinking seriously.

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'Those fishcakes need eating tonight': 15 romantic texts from your long-term partner

IT’S easy for the spark to go out of a relationship when you’re sick of the sight of them. But don’t despair – here are 15 texts from your partner that prove romance is alive and well.

‘Can you check if I flushed the toilet?’ Aw. What could be more intimate and trusting than asking your partner to check you haven’t left a massive floater in your rush to get to work?

‘There’s chilli con carne in the slow cooker.’ A clear hint they want you to eat the leftovers off each other’s naked bodies by the time the evening is through. Shame it’s totally bland shit.

‘Can you buy yourself an anniversary card?’ In a truly happy relationship, dates like anniversaries and birthdays fly by unnoticed due to being so besotted.

‘You forgot to put the green bin out again, you f**king idiot.’ Playful, light-hearted banter. An insight into how comfortable you’ve become with one another.

‘Stop leaving your pubes in the shower!!!’ Couples thrive on clear communication. Being truly honest with one another may well be the final taboo.

‘Those fish cakes need eating tonight.’ Clearly your partner wants a romantic meal, and is prepared to go to a lot of trouble microwaving some old fish.

‘Who the f**k is Julia?’ Your partner obviously values your relationship and is feisty, like Princess Leia. Which makes you Han Solo. Adorable.

‘Buy bog roll’ The sparse language shows you communicate effortlessly due to your deep bond built up over years. Definitely no need for a kiss, a please or even a ‘thank you’. 

‘You’ve spent too long on the toilet’ When you’ve found yourself a lover who’s happy to discuss the unfeasible amount of time you spend shitting and scrolling Instagram you’ve found a keeper.

‘Can you record Love Island on Sky+?’ She’s planning another evening where you sit in silence, blissfully happy with one another’s company, while she watches men with hard bodies and white teeth.

‘What time are your f**king parents coming round?’ You don’t just marry a person, you marry their family. Spending time with them strengthens the foundations of your own relationship. Plus there’s the potential inheritance once the coffin-dodging bastards finally die.

‘The baby’s shat itself’ Your partner does not want you to miss out on a second of your little one’s childhood and cannot wait for you to arrive back home.

‘Bring crisps, I’m hungover’ Your partner subconsciously wants to be loved and nurtured by you. Because they feel like shit. Remember to get cheese and onion not plain though or they’ll be angry.

‘Did I leave my straighteners on?’ Your safety is their top priority. And this concerned message appears eight to ten times a week, in fact whenever they leave the house. They must really love you.

‘I thought you were only going for one drink, arsehole’ Obvious code for ‘I miss you’. When your partner simply cannot wait to hold you in their arms again, you know you’ve found ‘the one’.