Relegations fail to reduce football

TEAMS relegated on the last day of the Premier League season will only be replaced by different ones, it has emerged.

Luton Town, Burnley and Sheffield United were all relegated to the Championship on Sunday but horrifyingly, rather than cutting the Premier League by three teams a year until it is eliminated, will be replaced by three other teams.

Experts confirmed the same will happen at the end of next season and the season after that, with the cycle of abuse expected to continue for decades to come.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “These relegations initially seem like a thinning-out of weak, dreadful football but instead the teams are replaced, in blatant defiance of natural law.

“We are tinkering with the very balance of the cosmos itself here and – if we are lucky – we will live to regret it.

“I have now written to the Football Association demanding the football pyramid gets smaller each year until there’s only one team left and we can all get on with our lives. Even if it is Manchester City.”

Hayes also attacked Uefa’s decision to stage a tournament this summer to establish who the best team in Europe is, even though that was established once and for all less than three years ago.

He said: “It’s almost like they’re playing football for the sake of it. It sickens me.”

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Scotch eggs, and other British foods that leave Americans traumatised

AMERICA is apparently the land of the free and home of the brave. But even they can’t pluck up the courage to enjoy classic British food, like this:

Pork scratchings

Only ever purchased in dodgy pubs when absolutely hammered and the landlord’s out of peanuts, it’s a mystery even to Brits that pork scratchings haven’t been banned by environmental health. Though Americans love consuming meat, they are also used to their food being completely sanitised, so finding a genuine pig hair on their tasty skin-and-fat snack might make them vomit into their drink.

Ginsters pasties

People from the US love highly processed food, so you’d think mechanically separated meat injected into a pastry suitcase would be right up their alley. No, their problem here would be with the minuscule size of the portion, which they could chuck down their gullet without evening registering it had happened. However, as inventors of the drive-thru, they would enjoy that Ginsters products are only allowed to be consumed in a car after being purchased from a grimy service station.


You’d think Americans would love the olde worlde appeal of Marmite, invented by a scientist in Staffordshire in 1902. And they probably do like the charmingly retro packaging and quirkily British ad campaigns about loving or hating it. However, when they unscrew the lid and are faced with a stinking, viscous substance blacker than the bowels of hell, they will physically recoil. And they’re right to, because it’s disgusting.

Scotch egg

When you consider it objectively, a boiled egg enveloped in minced sausage, dipped in breadcrumbs and deep fried sounds pretty grim. Americans are too lily-livered to try this delicacy, which is a shame as, if you don’t think too hard about what you’re consuming, they are delicious. Anyway, Americans have no idea what they’re talking about when it comes to food. They purchase and eat raw cookie dough as a treat, the mentalists.


Who in their right mind would want to eat food literally made of mould? This is what Americans ask themselves when offered a stinking slice of blue Stilton. However, they do not have a leg to stand on in this arena as the only cheese they have offered the world is Velveeta, which is basically reconstituted melted plastic, and spray cheese, which comes in a can and is a crime against humanity. So they should shut up and enjoy our feet-tasting morsels of deliciousness.


You’d expect Americans to be delighted by haggis, given that 90 percent of them claim to be related to an ancient Scottish clansman, just because their grandma’s grandma had the surname Taylor. However, faced with the prospect of consuming minced lung, oats and suet stuffed into a sheep’s stomach, they quickly reject their Celtic heritage. Which is fair enough, as haggis is hideous and even the English won’t touch it with a bargepole.