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Spain hope it's England

SPAIN have their fingers crossed for England to triumph over Argentina tonight so Sunday is a nice easy final. 

Following victory over expected finalists France after their players suffered an attack of soul-deep ennui, Spain’s players would prefer an uncomplicated 3-0 in the final over a difficult match against Argentina.

Captain Rodri said: “As players, as a squad we have such love for the English. The way they try and try and then fail is special to us.

“Argentina have Messi, they have a formidable reputation, they have the capacity to raise their game. England? They fight like bulldogs, and when was the last time a bulldog won a prize?

“Can we put goals past Jordan Pickford? Of course. Many of us already have. It would be a fun final, a comfortable one where we can put on a bit of spectacle for the viewers at home.

“And England do not lose completely, since they still have Coldplay in the halftime show.”

England fan Ryan Whittaker said: “No, they’re right, I’m happy with that.”

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Five ways to take advantage of every other f**ker watching the football tonight

NOT watching England get knocked out by Argentina this evening? Here’s how to enjoy a country where everyone else is busy: 

Do your big shop

Supermarkets will look like that scene from 28 Days Later, but will be open. Pushing your trolley around a deserted Tesco, aisles eerily empty, idly browsing the Whoops! shelf without fear of being barged aside, is the ultimate luxury. An empty space where cases of Peroni once sat is the only sign football is happening somewhere.

Share dark secrets

You’re living a lie, but tonight is an amnesty. Go to any open space and scream at maximum volume ‘I’m cheating on you! I urinate in the bathroom sink! It was me who broke the strimmer by using it to open beer bottles!’ and your cries will go unheard but for a solitary dog-walker.

Go for a stroll on the M1

Usually tricky, due to all the cars. But after 8pm tonight it will be abandoned, no more than a extra-wide footpath for those who couldn’t give a f**k about our apparently ancient rivalry with Argentina. Why not make an evening of it, and have a sunset picnic on a slip road?

Become an influencer

All those spots influencers queue at for photos where they pretend to be blissfully alone? Tonight they’re actually empty. Speed around Blencathra, Notting Hill, The Shambles, Lulworth Cove and Meadow Well council estate, South Shields, and you’ll have 400,000 followers before extra time! If you’re pretty.

Rob a bank

A bank heist takes months of preparation, but tonight? With guards and police all glued to their phones? You’ll be in and out of the vault in 90 minutes, blaring alarms ignored as Rice is sent off and Messi awarded a penalty for no specific reason. But will being several million richer really make up for missing the most important game ever known? Yes.

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