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How to explain being in lingerie if he's not interested

OPENED the door in stockings and suspenders, only for him to shoulder past asking which cupboard the crisps are in? Use these excuses for why you’re in a lacy set: 

‘It’s laundry day’

Casually mention that every other item of clothing you own is in the wash after a sauce accident, and a red leather corset accessorised with riding crop is what any practical adult wears while waiting for the cycle to finish. What were you supposed to do, answer the door in yesterday’s jeans?

‘I’m breaking these in’

Like Doc Martens, crotchless knickers need wearing around the house before they get comfortable. Otherwise you risk blisters. So you were just getting some wear on those, and the fishnets, while doing household tasks like taking the bins out and filing bank statements.

‘It’s for posture’

Insist the support of the basque has done wonders for your lower back. Frankly it’s more effective than yoga and unlike yoga, you can drink wine. The stilettos are for calf strength and the stockings are actually medical compression socks bought on prescription.

‘I’m doing a wardrobe audit’

Tell him you’re checking whether any of it still fits before deciding what to keep. His complete lack of curiosity has actually made the process much easier and this lime green G-string is going straight to British Heart Foundation. Maybe a needy pensioner could buy it, or someone with a functioning sex life.

‘It’s a social experiment’

You wanted to find out whether a heterosexual man could fail to notice a woman standing in front of him dressed like a burlesque performer. Your hypothesis has been spectacularly confirmed. You will now write this up in your Masters thesis, ‘Selective Blindness in Idiotic Boyfriends Offered Sex: A Practical Study’.

‘I lost a bet’

Refuse to elaborate. Let him spend the next six months wondering what kind of wager ends with Agent Provocateur and an open pot of chocolate body paint. Mumble something about ‘the girls from Accounts’ and ‘Janine really got the better of me that time’. This is also the best way to explain why you’ve shaved a heart into your fanny.

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I've been unemployed for 22 years, but now I get to beat the hosepipe ban it's finally paying off

By professional jobseeker Tom Logan, aged 44

LONG-TERM unemployment means playing the long game. And while all you suckers have been buying houses, cars and holidays, my grift has paid off big-time. 

Yep, benefit claimants like myself kept our eyes on the prize through years of subsistence incomes, and guess what? We’re exempt from hosepipe ban fines. You pathetic losers with decent incomes are kicking yourselves now.

Sure, I’ve been through tough times since I was laid off from the Nissan factory 22 years ago. But now? Now they can’t hit me with a £1,000 fine as I live it up on my £76.96 a week Universal Credit and unlimited water.

Don’t think I won’t be exploiting this loophole. I’m up watering the garden of my council flat at 4am, then on the hour every hour until midnight. It’s a swamp! While alarm clock Britain watches their herbaceous borders wither and die!

So what if the kids haven’t had Christmas presents since Bratz dolls were in? Who cares if regular DWP errors mean my payments are cut off for three months? My lawn’s green while those of big detached houses are yellow, so I win. 

For decades I endured the taunts of ‘scrounger’ and the petty rules of Jobcentre Plus. It was worth it. I told my family: ‘Our problems are over. From now on you can have anything you want, so long as it’s watering the lawn or standing under a hose.’

I even got a call this morning offering me a job. Couldn’t stop laughing. ‘Stick your capitalist wage slavery up your arse,’ I said, ‘for I am the Water King.’ 

It’s no wonder the tabloids hate people like me, able to water our lawns all day if we want, the police standing by impotently. Truly, we have beaten the system. Until it rains.

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