Andy Carroll listed on Ebay

LIVERPOOL has placed former striker Andy Carroll on the auction site Ebay with a reserve price of 99p.

Manager Kenny Dalglish has listed Carroll under ‘Sporting Goods – Football – Other – Novelty Items’ and has asked the buyer to collect, given the  freight charges in transporting such an unwieldy unit.

Overseas buyers were considered unlikely to be interested as Carroll has not had his injections.

Assistant manager Steve Clarke said: “Our seller rating has dipped quite a lot after a terrible review from Chelsea, but Torres was in perfect nick when he left here. Parcelforce are fucking shit.”

He added: “We’ve always tried to leave positive ratings when buying ourselves, although we have had to report Sunderland to Ebay for the Henderson because it’s nothing like the photos they posted of it passing the ball properly and scoring goals.”

Carroll has a ‘Buy It Now’ price of £25m but  if no bids are received the club will either place an advert on Freecycle or just tie him to a lamppost with his feeding instructions taped to his forehead.

Dalglish had hoped the funds raised by auctioning Carroll would help with the major restoration work on Fabio Aurelio but club sources said taking away his credit card during the January sales had ‘helped things enormously’.

Clarke said: “If the lamppost doesn’t work we’ll probably just wait until it’s dark, find a building site and then heave him into a skip.”



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Hester turns down shares in unsuccessful bank

STEPHEN Hester last night turned down a share bonus package after discovering the shares were in the Royal Bank of Scotland.

The Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive was entitled to almost a million pounds worth of stock options under his Labour Party-approved contract, but waived his rights rather than take on even more shares in a company with which he is all too familiar.

Hester said: “No, you’re alright. I’m fine. You hang on to those. I’ll get some other shares.

“Don’t get me wrong, RBS shares are really nice but I’m just not at that point in my life. It’s not the RBS shares, it’s me.”

But a senior source at the taxpayer-owned bank said: “It’s not him, it’s the shares. He turned up to the big annual bonus meeting all excited, saying ‘okay, what do I get?’.

“Then the committee chairman said ‘well Stephen, we’ve got you these lovely RBS shares’. You should have seen his face.

“He was like, ‘What? I spend a year turning up for work on a fairly regularly basis and you offer me shares in the Royal Bank of Scotland? I’m not saying I deserve Apple, but maybe a bit of Glaxo or Imperial Tobacco. Where’s that fucking contract?’.”

Hestar added: “It’s a shame because I was going to spend all that money in the shops.

“I’m really into hill walking at the moment so I was going to buy about five hundred grand’s worth of stuff from Blacks, but now I suppose they’ll all have to lose their jobs.”

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Hester’s bonus refusal has been welcomed by both George Osborne and Ed Miliband which means it must be an absolutely terrible idea.

“But at least everyone will be able to feel slightly less bitter and resentful for about 30 seconds.”