Aw, bless, sportswomen told

THE Sports Personality of the Year judging panel has told Britain’s women athletes to stop worrying their sporty little heads.

The BBC was criticised after failing to include any of Britain’s female champions in competitions that technically count as sport.

A lot of the pastimes even bear a resemblance to real sports, only a lot slower, according to the handful of people that have seen them.

SPOTY Judge Roy Hobbs said: “Apparently we have women in swimsuits and women doing jolly well in having a bit of a wrestle so I’d be very keen to do some judging.

“They certainly sound a lot more entertaining than the ghastly collection of parliamentary harridans that descended on my office yesterday. I blame Emmeline Pankhurst, the fat cow.”

Lord Coe has promised to review the shortlisting process just as soon as he deals with the 14,000 ways the Olympics are turning into shit.

But he has pledged to draw up a list of alternative nominees and said sportswomen could help by making themselves known to a member of staff at their local leisure centre.

Meanwhile the BBC has defended itself from accusations of sexism, citing the time it gave Princess Anne the award in 1971 by mistake.

Hobbs added: “If sportswomen really want to be judged on their abilities then the attractive ones can always try Miss World.”


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Zuckerberg surprised Facebook still works

FACEBOOK founder Mark Zuckerberg has expressed shock that his school project is still working.

Zuckerberg, who has been dogged by claims the company sold every scrap of personal information from its tiresomely effusive users, said it was just as well the data was in third-party hands because his website will probably break soon.

He added: “When I built this thing I was even younger than I am now, if you can imagine that. I was little more than a sperm in Converse.

“Fuelled by fizzy drinks, peanut M&Ms and ‘power masturbation’ I accidentally built Facebook for no reason. Now it is home to every human with fingers and an ego.

“Fuck knows how it hasn’t packed in.”

Addressing the controversy around user privacy, he said: “Togetherness, connecting people, principles, inspiring.

“Will that do?”