BARTON!

FROM the darkest corners of your nightmares, this season’s biggest frightfest is… BARTON!

He was a man from the savage land of Liverpool, with a dead-ball delivery to freeze the soul and a Twitter account full of bone-chilling delusion – and now he’s coming to a stadium near you.

Not even the FA can stand in the way of BARTON!

Driven mad by the injustice he saw all around him that for some reason nobody else could actually see, when a neighbour’s house is burgled BARTON! takes the law into his own hands by phoning the police and waiting patiently for them to arrive.

For him, there was only one law – sections nine and 10 of the 1968 Theft Act covering the commission of a burglary – and when they met it was EXPLOSIVE!

Football critic Wayne Hayes said: “BARTON! is a throwback to 70s British pulp horrors like Joe Jordan and Tommy Smith which shouldn’t really be viewed by youngsters.

“Some have also compared it to Death Wish, the 1974 thriller which featured an ultraviolent hero with a stupid moustache who dispenses summary justice based on the voices in his head.

“But BARTON! is very different because as far as I’m aware Charles Bronson always had a good reason for knocking shite out of someone outside a McDonalds.”

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David Cameron invents the Scouts

THE prime minister has unveiled a radical new concept for social change involving youngsters with neckerchiefs being helpful.

As part of an innovative government scheme which will make everything fine again forever, young people in khaki shorts will perform useful tasks such as litter picking and mildly incompetent car washing under the tutelage of a responsible adult.

David Cameron said: “It’s just something that popped into my head while I was in process of single-handedly fixing the country last night.

“What ‘Broken Britain’ needs is a type of non-military public service organisation for young people. I haven’t decided what I’m going to call my explosive new idea yet but it’s between ‘the Scouts’ and ‘the Boys Brigade’.

“Yeah, I know. Who wants to touch me?”

He added: “Compulsory meetings will be held weekly in freezing cold purpose-built sheds that smell of hormones and Robinson’s Barley Water.

“If a young person fails to attend I will personally visit their mum and advise her to stop their pocket money.

“What with this and demolishing the clearly flawed notion of humans having rights, I’m a hotter than a Tottenham carpet shop.”

Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, said: “I have this weird feeling that I was involved in something vaguely similar when I was about nine. But it must have been a dream because a) I had a thing called a woggle and b) otherwise this country’s reins are in the hands of a fucknut.

“And clearly the man who coined the brilliant phrase ‘Broken Britain’ wouldn’t be spouting some recycled gimmicky bullshit. After this, I think he has earned the right to go back to his villa in Tuscany.”