Beckham accused of sleeping with wife

DAVID Beckham is fighting to save his reputation after claims he has been to bed with his pointy wife.

Sources close to the couple said Victoria no longer requires tethering to the floor during windy weather, fuelling speculation that another dress-up doll named after the place where they fucked may be on the way.

An insider said: “Between not playing football in America and making Harry Redknapp look like a salivating, crotch-rubbing pervert in a grimy strip club, he simply hasn’t had the time to get drunk enough for that kind of thing.

“If you watch recent footage of him at the Sports Personality of the Year, he looks relaxed and happy, rather than having the haunted Vietnam-vet face of someone who had recently been adjacent to the world’s pointiest, most miserable fandango.”

Beckham is now considering an injunction against his wife, banning her from further accusations of consummated fidelity.

Meanwhile analysts have warned that Victoria’s allegations will damage ‘brand Beckham’ which generates millions every year as companies queue up to have their products endorsed by a badly tattooed simpleton who sounds like an Eastenders actress.

The insider added; “Victoria decided that having sex with your husband is this season’s ‘must have’.

“I just hope it all blows over and they can return to being the sexless, joyless couple, the extent of whose fame we will never really understand.”



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Eggs regain terror status

EGGS are terrifying for the first time in more than 20 years, it has been confirmed.

As murderous, highly trained German eggs began their unrelenting march towards the English Channel, the government cancelled all leave for the British Egg Police and raised the egg alert to amber for the first time since Edwina Currie invented salmonella in 1988.

The threat was first detected on Tuesday via ‘intelligence chatter’ when MI6 overheard a suspected egg farmer near Dusseldorf complaining about an unusual stench in his effluent backwash distributor.

Sources say the farmer then passed instructions to fellow egg production cells across Germany and urged them to send the stinky batch to Britain as quickly as possible.

The Home Office said some big trucks with eggs on them may already be in the country and if members of the public spot an egg, or something they think might be an egg, they should start screaming hysterically until they receive an official letter telling them to stop.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “Most of this country’s egg production is now unfortunately infected with salmonella. Oh it’s not? Oh I see. I’m very sorry. Does this mean John Major will stop trying to have sex with me over a desk? I do hope so.”

It is believed the extremist eggs are being transported in a liquid form and may already have been mixed with other liquified eggs in a facility that looks like an oil refinery in an industrial estate on the outskirts of Rotterdam before being used to make delicious free-range mayonnaise.

But a spokesman for UK mayonnaise giant, Dollop, said: “I don’t know why they claimed this stuff was coming over here. We make Dollop in the rustic kitchen of a big farmhouse surrounded by acres of lush green fields filled with happy little chickens with names like Sally and Agnes.

“Here’s a photo of it.”