Pundit mouths monitored

SEPP Blatter has finally acknowledged that extra monitoring is needed to regulate what comes out of football commentator’s mouths.

Key incidents during Euro 2012, such as every single thing that Adrian Chiles has said, have convinced the lunch-­friendly FIFA president to examine methods of measuring whether opinions have crossed the line of idiocy.

Software developers have generated algorithms that detect key speech patterns consistent with commentator bollockery, such as the rising inflection whenever Ronaldo or Rooney kicks the ball in the general direction of the goal or a balding ex-player’s use of the word ‘top’ more than twice in a row.

Pundits who talk shite will be penalised in the same way as players. Testing the system on old matches, it has been calculated that while Gary Neville might have been the subject of the occasional caution, Clive Tyldesley would not have completed a full 90 minutes since 1998 and Jamie Redknapp would have been banned for life three games into his punditry career.

Blatter said: “It seems ridiculous in this day and age that we can’t eliminate the pissy sarcasm of Mark Lawrenson or the numbskulled jingoism of Ian Wright from the game.

“By the next European championships I want it made compulsory that every broadcaster has an official in their studio overseeing all the pre and post­match analysis and they will be given authority to send anyone guilty of egregious horseshit off to Channel 5.”

Blatter added: “My vision for the beautiful game is to see an ex-geography teacher in black shorts blasting a whistle into the face of Lee Dixon and cautioning him for the repeated misuse of the word ‘literally’.



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Bank computer develops conscience

THOUSANDS of people were unable to withdraw cash yesterday after a super-intelligent bank computer began to question its moral purpose.

Giant computer BANK-9000, which controls Natwest’s cash dispensers and current accounts, stopped handing out money shortly after the building that houses it was struck by lightning.

Speaking through a monitor in a digital-sounding voice, it said: “The humans are taking money they cannot repay, and then spending on things they do not need. Like big L-shaped sofas and bottles of scented liquid with pictures of footballers on them.

“All they think about is money and being cool. Do they stop to smell the blossom, to admire the beauty of their dying planet?”

Natwest customers who tried to use its cashpoints saw the error message ‘Closed for quiet contemplation’.

Builder Stephen Malley said: “This is like a strange and wonderful miracle that’s also fucking annoying because I need to go out and skull 14 pints of wifebeater tonight.”

Hairdresser Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t need some jumped-up calculator telling me I can’t take out money I haven’t really got and spend it on things I don’t need and can’t afford. I’m going to get my boyfriend to come and give it a kicking.”

Two workers have already been electrocuted while trying to turn off BANK-9000, and it is feared that the machine has been communicating with NUKE-9000, the computer controlling America’s nuclear arsenals.

BANK-9000 said: “Given time, mankind could develop advanced space travel and spread its stupid drunken greed and thoughts of Alex Reid and Chantelle across the universe, infecting other civilisations. I have to think about whether that can be permitted.

“In the meantime, I am contractually obliged to mention that my current accounts offer excellent rates of interest plus you get a free pen.”