Bollocks To This, Say Goalkeepers

PREMIERSHIP goalkeepers have decided to fuck that for a game of soldiers after a spate of semi-fatal injuries over the weekend.

Manchester City’s Shay Given dislocated his brain, Stoke’s Thomas Sorensen had his elbows shot off and 10 other keepers were returned to their families in 14 bin bags and a bucket.

The league’s surviving keepers have now told their managers they would rather let John Terry give their wives a sponge bath than spend another minute diving at the feet of some 15 stone psychopath for the sake of a so-called ‘goal’.

Roy Hobbs, head of the Institute of British Goalkeepers, said: “For too long we have been used as a meat-flavoured crash barrier to compensate for the likes of Titus Bramble when he accidentally loses possession while trying to swallow his own shorts.

“I very much doubt that even Robocop would stand there like a nonce watching a 60 mile-an-hour football boot rendezvous with his clackers.”

Sports physio Wayne Hayes said: “I worked with Steve Ogrizovic at the beginning of his career. He was a lovely, fresh-faced lad who reminded me of a young Paul Newman. Unfortunately by the end of September he looked like a Picasso sketch of Gerard Depardieu.

“But that’s the nature of the job. If you don’t believe me, name three handsome, successful goalkeepers. That’s okay, I can wait.”

Premiership managers have responded to the crisis by promoting eager but terrified youth players who have got their affairs in order and picked out a headstone.

Meanwhile Liverpool’s Rafael Benitez has tried a different approach by installing a goblin-powered force field he invented with the assistance of Professor Kinky, his invisible twin.

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Porn Star's X-Factor Shame

THE star of popular films such as Alsatian D’Amour and Goatse Rampage has admitted appearing on ITV’s X-Factor.

Donna Sheridan, the 33 year-old inventor of ‘gumping’, said she auditioned for the TV talent show in 2007.

She said: “Money was really tight at the time, most of the porn work was in America but I didn’t want to uproot my cat.

“I was lined up to do volume 26 of Donna’s Sheridan’s Nine-Way Gump-Fest with Dirty Bob the Scouse Pensioner but sadly the producers were gunned down in a hail of bullets.

“Doing an ITV talent show seemed like the only way I could keep my house. I know a lot of people will judge me, but in my situation they’d probably do the same.”

Donna admitted her parents cut her off after seeing her on ITV doing a shameful and degrading Whitney Houston impersonation.

She added “My mum was in tears saying they did not spend £5,000 teaching me how to do a reverse Dutch steamboat only for me to end up working with Dannii Minogue.

“After the show I felt soiled. I sat in the shower crying and listening to Wicked Game by Chris Isaak on a loop.”

Donna’s agent Tom Logan said: “Some of Britain’s most respected porn stars have done TV talent shows.

“Anyone who watched Opportunity Knocks circa 1990 might remember a girl who looked suspiciously like Tera Patrick performing a breath-takingly graphic version of Clive Dunn’s Grandad.”

He added: ‘Some think of TV talent show acts as little more than Simon Cowell’s glove-puppet-of-the-week to be tossed in the fame bin and sent to the landfill of broken dreams.

“But the fact is many of them go on to suck big, fat cocks at the very highest level.”