Dalglish spends £8m at vending machine

LIVERPOOL manager Kenny Dalglish has defended his decision to spend £8m on a bag of crisps and a can of Irn Bru.

He fought off bids from rival managers who were willing to pay up to £1.30 for the snacks and sees the purchase as a sign of Liverpool’s renewed ambition.

He continued to stuff cheques into the coin slot of the vending machine until an engineer was called.

Dalglish said: “You’ve got to understand that there’s always a premium for home-grown soft drinks like Irn Bru as they instinctively understand the British way of having lunch. And it’s a full sugar can so it’s got bags of energy.

“Combined with the crisps – limited edition Marmite flavour so we really had to loosen the purse strings – it’s going to go brilliantly with this corned beef roll that I picked up for £20m.

“It’s Fray Bentos corned beef so I’m expecting a bit of that South American flair with my dinner today. It’s the kind of meal that tells the Chelseas and the Uniteds that we mean exceptionally expensive business.”

Assistant Steve Clarke has angrily asked why nobody was monitoring Dalglish while the former Chelsea man was away in Italy being shown around the remains of Aquilani.

Clarke said: “I thought we had learned from January when he was allowed out for an hour to see what was in the John Lewis sale and he came back with a sofa shaped like Andy Carroll that we’ve no room for?”



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Councils organising interpretive dance workshops for rats

LOCAL councils are hoping to tackle rat problems with a series of workshops inviting them to explore their ratness through physical movement.

In the last decade there has been a 40% increase in rat numbers, and a 64% increase in the amount of rats that are fucking massive.

But local councils increasingly believe they can ameliorate nuisance behaviour in rodents through structured rodent dance workshops rather than simply getting a stocky man to poison them.

Emma Bradford, facilitator of Midlands-based Rats Move! scheme said: “We dump some bin bags full of chicken bones and sanitary towels in a studio space and leave a door open onto the street. Usually that gathers a really good working group of several thousand grey and brown rats.

“After a warm-up period where I translate the gnashing noises onto a whiteboard, we’ll put on a CD, usually a bit of Fela Kuti and encourage the rats to get playful.

“There’s something really moving about a sea of worm-like pink tails flailing around. A well-timed tail swish can be more expressive than a thousand words.

“Sometimes they get so swept up in the moment that they start eating each other.”

She added: “The state’s traditional approach to rats has been very much killing-based, but we’re going for something more holistic.

“We think the dance works to chill them out, also it encourages them to run around in a less spine-chillingly scuttley way.

“I would also like to add that some of them are really fucking massive.”