Fifa unveils new design for corner flags

FIFA has unveiled a ground-breaking new set of design standards for football pitch corner flags.

The sport’s governing body said the new design was the biggest innovation in football since the invention of goal scoring and made everything else seem irrelevant.

A spokesman said: “We’ve raised the height of the flags by two centimetres. I’ll just let that sink in for a moment.

“These new flags will allow for a more flowing, attacking game and will give the fans what they really want – more corners.”

Fifa said that although the flag poles were taller, new technology meant they are ten percent lighter which, in turn, will make them 15 percent bendier.

The spokesman added: “Bendier flagpoles will make corners even more thrilling. It’s all just incredibly exciting.”

The new poles will be made by Qatari Flags and Bunting at its factory in Volgograd.

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Crossrail tunnel already smells of urine

THE newly-completed Crossrail tunnel across London already carries a whiff of urine.

Workman Stephen Malley said: “Yesterday it was 26 miles of unspoilt, untouched concrete, like something from a  Kraftwerk music video.

“We’ve arrived this morning and it stinks of piss. Also someone’s done a massive graffiti skull on one of the stairwells.

“And there’s a decaying Hovis loaf, some broken bottles and shitloads of rats.”

He added: “I hope to move out of London soon.”

Tom Booker of Slough said: “Great that it’s being properly urbanised, so I can continue to feel edgy while commuting to my job in publishing.

“I do hope they let them have a go at the trains too. I don’t buy a £2,500-a-year season ticket to sit on an unslashed seat.”