Gratuitous Donkey Torture All Round

JOYFUL crowds spilled onto the streets of Spain last night as the nation celebrated its World Cup victory with a traditional bout of doing unspeakable things to donkeys.

Minutes after the winning goal was scored by someone who was once linked with a move to Chelsea, the mayor of Madrid appeared in the city’s main square and kicked a specially selected donkey right up the testicles.

In Valencia, members of the local coastguard draped flags and scarves on a trio of donkeys, herded them to the top of the city’s highest bell tower and then pushed them into a shark tank.

And in Seville, donkeys were attached to giant fireworks and sent soaring into the night sky before landing on the outskirts of the city with a dull, wet thud.

Footballologist, Tom Logan, said: “Spain play with such beauty and such passion. In many ways it is a living embodiment of this beautiful, passionate country. And they’re also brilliant at fucking-up donkeys.”

Meanwhile it has emerged that match referee Howard Webb flew to Holland last night in his ongoing quest to book absolutely every single Dutch person.

Dismissing Dutch threats of a lifetime pornography ban, Webb started taking names the moment he arrived at Schiphol Airport, before showing the yellow card to his taxi driver, a group of frightened school children and everyone in the lobby of the Amstelveen Ramada.

It is understood Webb’s to-do list also includes Amsterdam-born guitar hero Eddie Van Halen, Emmanuelle star Sylvie Kristel and Olympic swimmer Pieter van den Hoogenband.

Match of the Day pundit Alan Hansen backed Webb while urinating on a Dutch flag and demanding the exhumation and imprisonment of the little boy who saved the Netherlands from a devastating flood by sticking his finger in a beefy, short-haired woman.

In the UK, football fans said that while the final had some top quality violence, they spent most of the match applauding the cameraman whose job it is to scan the crowd for tasty-looking birds, before going to bed scared and confused by the BBC’s inexplicable homage to District 9.

But the biggest cheer of the night went to the last-minute appearance of former president Nelson Mandela, allowing official stand-in Morgan Freeman to go back to his hotel room and watch Hot Tub Time Machine.

Juan Luis Allagro, a football fan and cruelty enthusiast from Cadiz, added: “It is a great day. I cannot wait until our heroes return from South Africa and hurl baby donkeys from the open-topped bus.”