Kaka Deal Off After Agent Finally Says The Word 'City'

BRAZILIAN superstar Kaká has called off a move to Manchester after his agent finally said the word 'city'.

The AC Milan striker was furious claiming he had been duped into believing he was going to sign for a proper football team that had won a major trophy since he was born.

Kaká said last night: "My agent called last week and said that Manchester were interested in me. I was so excited at the thought of all those great players, the traditions, the best coach in the world, and of course Gemma Atkinson's magnificent charlies.

"I packed an overnight bag and we went to the airport, but as we were walking through the terminal my agent turned to me and said 'oh, in case I didn't mention, it's Manchester City.

"I stopped dead in my tracks and said, 'are you having a laugh? Seriously, is this some big fucking joke?'.

"He said to me, 'don't worry, they're a really big club with loads of money. And then there's Mark Hughes'.

"I said, 'I already play for a really big club, I've got loads of money and what, in the name of God, is a 'Mark Hughes'?'"

He added: "I walked away shouting, 'go and get me a proper deal from a proper English club that does not include the word 'city'. No Hulls, no Birminghams, and no fucking Stokes!'"

Manchester City said last night they still hoped to complete the deal if they can persuade Cristiano Ronaldo to sign for the club and act as Kaká's butler.

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Clubbers Ditch Ketamine For Elephant Tranquilisers

YOUNG Britons are switching to elephant-based drugs after the horse tranquiliser Ketamine was officially designated as so last week.

Experts say thousands of clubbers are using a combination of elephant downers, rhino aspirin, monkey amphetamines and a cough medicine developed especially for giraffes.

Drug taker Julian Cook said: "I used to like Ketamine because it gives you that weird, all-over horse sensation and you just want everyone to ride you.

"But it doesn't last long enough and you end up with a really sore back and bit marks in the corners of your mouth.

"Elephant drugs, on the other hand, last for six months and you can strip the branches off a tree and destroy entire villages."

He added: "I also like blue whale medicine. Last Friday everyone came round to my flat and we all harpooned each other while shouting 'thar she blows!'."

Community worker Bill McKay said the animal drug craze had also spread to middle class professionals, with after-dinner mints being replaced by a medium strength tranquiliser normally used to subdue the Thomson's Gazelle.

McKay added: "They use darts they've smuggled back from their safari holidays in Tanzania and then leap around the room listening to Depeche Mode while someone pretends to be a cheetah."