Liverpool fans braced for months of futile optimism

LIVERPOOL fans are gearing themselves up for six months of ultimately pointless optimism.

Once again Merseyside is confident the team can clinch the title, only not quite.

Liverpool fan Nathan Muir said: “I really believe that this season we can do it, but won’t do it.

“I can see us going all the way, three points clear with two games to go, only to lose to Watford at home after Mignolet throws the ball into his own net with no player near him.

“This is what Liverpool Football Club is all about. Passion. Heart. Desire. The shirt. Wanting it more than the other team. Wanting it so much you become paralysed with fear at the thought of not getting it.”

Muir added: “We’re like a man who’s desperate to impress the woman of his dreams on a date, and it’s all going brilliantly until he vomits on her pudding.”

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Nigel Farage: I am popular and handsome

THE UKIP leader has confirmed he remains popular with white working-class voters and attractive to women.

After UKIP’s latest abject failure in the Oldham West by-election, Nigel Farage insisted much of the electorate was so in awe of him they fainted before they could cast their votes.

He said: “Women have difficulty voting for UKIP because it is such a nakedly sexual act and would break their marriage vows, which I would not encourage.

“And men, for whom I am a golden god, are afraid of seeming like craven acolytes lest their pathetic offering of a vote displeases me.”

Farage added: “Also UKIP in Urdu directly translates as ‘Labour’ which is why we wrongly appear to have done badly in the Asian communities.

“In summary, then, we have triumphed in this by-election and UKIP are now the official opposition in Parliament.

“Please don’t take me off the telly.”