Cameron to tackle obesity with wartime rationing

DAVID Cameron has insisted Britain’s latest war can be used to tackle the country’s weight problem.

The prime minister said war offered a ‘fantastic opportunity’ to return to sensible, 1940s-style portion sizes, especially for people on low and average incomes.

He added: “Bland, grey, suet-based foodstuffs will also help to build the character you will need for the dark days ahead.

“Those on benefits will be served in large, draughty halls on trestle tables by meaty-armed women who will whack them with a ladle if they take more than their share.

“What an adventure it will be.”

The relaunched Ministry of Food will distribute rations including powdered Sunny Delight, four ounces of cheese strings for children and a block of compressed turkey-based product for an average family.

As the war continues, the turkey rations will be replaced by domestically-reared products such as road badger and neighbour’s dog.

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Ask Holly: I have no previous experience in expressing genuine emotion

Dear Holly,

I owe some people an apology, but I have no previous experience in expressing genuine emotion. How do I do that thing where you look all remorseful and a solitary tear rolls slowly down your face? I think that would be effective. Also, do you think maybe a cute personalised apology card from might get everyone off my back?



Dear Dave,

You just need practice – you need to start doing stupid stuff on a regular basis and that way you become good at apologising. I think that’s why my dad always makes a point of forgetting his wedding anniversary, so that when he does something REALLY daft, like getting drunk and doing a wee in the wardrobe, he is fully rehearsed in the art of expressing remorse.

Hope that helps,