Mein Kampf given politically correct makeover

A NEW edition of Mein Kampf is being updated for a modern, multicultural audience.

Adolf Hitler’s infamous work is being revised to appeal to liberal-minded contemporary readers with no interest in Nazi ideology or insane conspiracy theories about Jews.

Publisher Donna Sheridan said: “Sometimes books need updating because times change and things that used to be acceptable become outdated or offensive. Mein Kampf is a bit like Noddy in that respect.

“We’re removing all the racism and world domination stuff and replacing them with positive messages about tolerance, inclusivity and getting along with each other.

“So when Hitler writes something like ‘Man’s destiny is forged in the blood of lesser races’, we’ve changed that to ‘It’s good to have a destiny, but remember to respect other people’s destinies too’.”

She added: “I got a ghostwriter to add a chapter where Hitler goes to a gay club by mistake. At first he’s really uncomfortable, but in the end he has a good time. So it’s funny, but with a point.

“I’m sure Hitler would approve of the changes. There’s just no way 600 pages of impenetrable racist pseudo-philosophy would have stood a chance in the Christmas bestseller list.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

DiCaprio bear sex scene 'tender and loving'

LEONARDO DiCaprio’s new film features a sensual scene of loving, playful intercourse with a brown bear.

The Revenant tells the story of a man surviving in the wilderness who finds himself drawn to a divorced, middle-aged local bear with two cubs.

DiCaprio said: “I want to quash rumours that the sex is in any way non-consensual. I invite the bear back to my cabin, we drink a little moonshine and bond over a mutual sense of longing.

“Soon our instincts take over and the bear begins to rub my lower back with its huge paw. Then I kiss it and nibble its pointed ear.

“It’s super erotic but feels very natural, sort of like Don’t Look Now if Julie Christie was covered in fur and weighed over half a ton.

“However it is not explicit – the camera actually cuts away, then you see us in the morning with the bear snoring face up on my now-broken bed and me in my boxers bringing it a breakfast tray.”

Asked to confirm whether there was nudity, DiCaprio replied: “Bears are alway naked you fucking idiot.”