Man realises he is gentrification

A PECKHAM-BASED man has realised that the social transformation of the area is exemplified by him.

Stephen Malley, a graphic designer originally from Cambridgeshire, had a moment of clarity while ordering a flat white from an artisan bakery that used to be a fried chicken shop.

Malley said: “I was just complaining to my accountant that it was getting harder to find cheap avocados when I was seized by a horrifying self-awareness.

“I looked down at my pale, bourgeois hands, uncalloused by honest work, and in that moment I knew the truth. I am the enemy within, the bringer of blandness, the reason our cleaner has to live 50 miles away.”

A dazed Malley staggered out into the street, which was full of his tastefully bearded doppelgangers, and vomited against a gourmet burger bar.

Malley’s wife Daisy said: “We moved to Peckham two years ago because it was cheap and vibrant, and I could give Reiki massages at home while setting up an online juice business.

“Now my husband tells me I am a monster in a yoga-honed body.

“My first instinct was to jump off the multi-storey car park that is now a Campari bar. But then I realised how much money I could make selling ‘Save Peckham from me’ organic cotton tote bags so, swings and roundabouts.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Zuckerberg regrets going on Facebook while drunk

MARK Zuckerberg’s Facebook announcement that he will give away 99 per cent of his wealth was the result of being shitfaced, he has revealed.

The billionaire Facebook founder is now wondering if he can get out of his pledge to hand over $45 billion on the grounds that he had drunk two bottles of red wine.

Zuckerberg said: “I woke up with a splitting hangover and remembered I’d been on the computer till quite late, so naturally hoped I hadn’t said anything embarrassing on social media.

“I decided I’d probably just put up some music links and maybe written a few comments that weren’t nearly as funny or interesting in the cold light of day.

“But when I logged on I realised I’d promised to hand over my vast wealth to ‘good causes’. I went out into the garden and repeatedly kicked a tree while saying ‘fuck’.”

After checking his browser history, Zuckerberg believes his insane generosity may have been inspired by repeatedly listening to The New Seekers’ 1971 hit I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing in a state of alcohol-induced sentimentality.

He continued: “I can’t go back on it without looking a complete bastard. My wife’s going to have a fit when I tell her she can’t have a tropical island and a space shuttle for Christmas.”