Hooray for war

CHEERING crowds packed the streets of Britain yesterday as the nation finally got the war it has wanted for so very long.

Jubilation reigned throughout the land as RAF bombers set off to Syria, following Parliament’s capitulation to the public demand for an open-ended conflict in the Middle East.

Bill McKay, from Bolton, said: “I’m over the moon.

“I mean yes, we’ve been at war with or in Iraq since 2003, and of course there was Afghanistan, but that wasn’t nearly enough for me and my family.

“‘When are they going to start bombing Syria?’ my wife would nag me over the dinner table every night. ‘Everyone else is. It’s not fair’.

“Well, at last the wait is over and just in time for Christmas. What a fantastic present.”

Army recruitment centres have been inundated as tens of thousands abandon their dull lives in Civvy Street to join what one thrilled new squaddie described as ‘surely the best war yet’.

The prime minister, speaking in front of a spontaneous rally of more than 300,000 rejoicing people in Trafalgar Square, said: “It’s war, everyone! It’s war!

“God, it feels so exciting to finally be saying this! It’s war, it’s war, it’s war!”

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Defence secretary spends entire debate doodling explosions

DEFENCE secretary Michael Fallon has spent the whole of today’s Syria debate doodling bombs and explosions. 

As the prime minister made the case for war and everyone pretended not to have already made up their minds, Fallon’s drawings have grown increasingly elaborate. 

He said: “Actually, I’m really good at these.  

“You can see I’ve put in lines of force here, so everyone’s being thrown in different directions according to the bomb’s impact, and at the top I’ve written ‘none of these people are civilians’. 

“This one’s got a donkey being thrown sixty feet in the air. Look at the expression on his face!

“In the bottom corner of every page I’ve done a flick-book, so you can watch an AGM-154 smart bomb falling, falling, identifying its target and then BOOM.

“I was going to continue it so it shows democracy flourishing from the rubble, but I ran out of pages. Still I think we can just assume that.”